


Long Tale Cast On

by AstoundinglyMade, bluefay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: 1980s, Also a smidge of homophobia, Alternate Universe - Muggle, Anxiety Disorder, Anxious Sirius, Asexual Sirius Black, Bisexual Remus Lupin, Chronic Pain, Desi James Potter, Knitting, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Migraine, Swearing, but only a smidge, crafting, queer crafting night, shop owner Sirius Black, some alcohol, some miscommunication issues, stubborn remus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-27
Updated: 2019-08-27
Packaged: 2020-09-27 14:49:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 24,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20409559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstoundinglyMade/pseuds/AstoundinglyMade, https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluefay/pseuds/bluefay
Summary: When Sirius and Lily decide to start a craft night in the yarn store in an effort to draw in a younger crowd, they look to the bar across the street to provide refreshments. Sirius is taken with bar owner Remus from the start, but neither James nor Lily's encouragement is enough to bridge the chronic pain and anxiety that conspire to keep them apart. With time, effort, and some terrible knitting, Sirius and Remus eventually find that life has a strange way of working out.





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Sirius and Lily decide to start a craft night in the yarn store in an effort to draw in a younger crowd, they look to the bar across the street to provide refreshments. Sirius is taken with bar owner Remus from the start, but neither James nor Lily's encouragement is enough to bridge the chronic pain and anxiety that conspire to keep them apart. With time, effort, and some terrible knitting, Sirius and Remus eventually find that life has a strange way of working out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone! Katharine and I have been working on this since the beginning of the summer, and we've had such a joy creating it! We've alternated chapters, and it's been amazing to write with her. If you don't follow Katharine on ao3 or Tumblr, please do @astoundinglymade :) <3
> 
> As always, thank you for reading!

“Hey, what are you going as for Dorcas’ Halloween party?” Sirius asked his best friend, Lily, as he sat, twirling on a spinning stool behind the cash register.

The knitting store that Sirius owned wasn’t particularly busy, so he and Lily were finally able to catch up.

Lily flicked through a knitting magazine and blew bubbles with her chewing gum. “I don’t know. I’m thinking of going as Janet from _Rocky Horror_. What about you?”

Ever since_ Rocky Horror Picture Show_ had come out, Lily had been obsessed with it. Sirius had spent an embarrassing number of nights over the years at Lily’s flat, eating chocolate and watching it with her. He knew every line, word for word, by heart.

“You do realize that _Rocky_ came out like nine years ago, right?” Sirius asked, rolling his eyes."I’m thinking of going as Ponyboy.”

“Do you realize that you’re like ten years older than Ponyboy?” Lily retaliated, giving him a smug look while continuing to flip through her magazine.

“Whatever. _The Outsiders_ is a classic. You’re harshing my mellow.”

Lily promptly responded to this by threatening to push Sirius off of his stool. It quickly shut him up.

Sirius looked around his shop, The Marauders. He had only owned it for six months, and yet he couldn’t imagine life without it. He knew he was young to own a shop of his own, let alone the fact that he was a man with a deep passion for knitting. The odds were, in many ways, stacked against him.

Thank God he had Lily. had grown up on a farm, and her mom had taught her how to spin wool at a young age, so she supplied the store's stock of wool. She'd gotten into dyeing yarn around the age of fifteen, at which point she converted Sirius to knitting.

Sirius often thought about how different life was now, aged twenty-four, compared to when he was fifteen. He had known so little.

“So, who do you think will be there? Think it’ll be a big party?” Sirius asked, wincing at the sound of Lily’s bubble popping.

“Knowing Dorcas, it’ll be large enough. I know her girlfriend will be there. Her name’s Marlene. I’ve only met her once, but she’s super nice!”

“Good for her. It was time she got over Mary,” said Sirius. While he couldn’t remember a time before Lily, he had become friends with Dorcas at university. Dorcas was a small framed woman with a black bob and a particular fondness for women. She had dated Mary MacDonald all throughout university, and the breakup had been hard on her. He’d hardly seen Dorcas in the past year.

Lily tied her long, deep red hair into a ponytail. It was getting stuffy in the shop. Sirius made a mental note to fix the furnace at some point, although he knew he’d lose it in all of the different files in his mind.

“Speaking of, how’s your love life going? Has anyone come into the store who’s caught your fancy?” Lily asked, putting her hands on her wide hips and quirking an eyebrow upwards.

Sirius had come out to Lily as gay when he was seventeen, and he had been terrified of how she would react. Fortunately for him, she didn’t care one bit. And, after a few years of ruminating, Sirius had realized that gay hadn’t been the completely correct label for himself. He had never felt sexual attraction to someone. All he knew was that he wanted to romantically be with a man. When he told Lily this, she hugged him, fed him chocolate, and told him there wasn’t anything wrong with him. In fact, there was a word for it.

Asexuality.

Sirius sighed. “No, unfortunately. Mostly old women come in, give me a weird look, and then leave.”

“Obviously they’ve never seen a twenty-four-year-old male knitter sporting a leather jacket.”

Sirius let out a loud laugh. Lily was right. Most everyone he'd encountered thought of knitting as an _old woman_ activity. What many people didn’t realize was that knitting required countless skills, including multitasking and intense math. Sirius often drank coffee at night to keep him alert enough to be able to knit. It was quite a lifestyle.

“I can’t get rid of the old women, Lily! I just want young people to come in.”

Lily was quiet for moment, her thinking face very much so present. “You know what you should do, Love? You should host a queer crafting night. There’s a bar right across the street. I’m sure they’d supply drinks in return for customers. You might even meet a man!”

Sirius finally stopped swiveling on the stool. God, could he host a craft night? Sirius genuinely didn’t know if he was a big enough shop to do so.

“Okay. Say I host this...craft night. How often would I do it? And how would I even go about getting the bar to supply drinks?”

Lily tapped her lip with her index finger. “Hmm. Well, I think once a week would be fun! You could also do it bi-monthly. Or once a month.”

“Lily, you do realize you’re being no help at all, right?”

“Shut up. Do it once a week. Now, as far as getting the bar involved, I could always go over there with you! Maybe when they open up tomorrow? It wouldn’t be too busy then.”

Sirius mulled the whole situation over. “Yeah, that sounds good. Do you know when they open at?”

“I think they open at four, although I can double check.”

“Okay. Thanks, Lils.” Sirius offered her a warm smile.

She pulled him in for a hug in return. “Hey, I’m really proud of you. This will be great for the store, and we’ll get to meet new people! This is so exciting, Sirius.”

Sirius pulled her tighter, whispering, “thank you for being brilliant.”

***

The next day, at four o’clock, Sirius and Lily stood out front of the bar after having turned the sign his door to say _Sorry! We’re closed_. Perks of being an owner, he supposed.

After staring at the door for three and a half minutes, Lily finally pushed him towards it.

“In! Go in! I’ll be there with you. Don’t worry!”

The bar was dark, and the music made Sirius’ eardrums throb, a feeling that he loved. The bar was empty, except for the bartender and a few employees milling about.

“Hi! How many?” asked the host, a man with curly, wild hair, thick glasses, and golden brown skin.

Sirius noticed that, for once, Lily was speechless. He thought that this was rather curious, and he was definitely going to give her hell for it later.

“Hi. I own the knitting shop across the street. I was wondering if I could talk to the owner. I have an...arrangement...I’d like to propose,” said Sirius, although it came out more like a question.

The man, who’s name tag read “James” said, “absolutely. Follow me.”

They walked over to the bar, and it became increasingly evident that the bartender was the owner. He was tall and lanky, and his nose was too large.

“Hey, Remus. This guy owns the shop across the street with the yarn,” James began, and Lily rolled her eyes. "He wanted to chat to you about something.”

And with that, James left.

Remus did a once-over of Sirius and then asked, “so, what can I do for you?”

“Well, I own a knitting store, and I’d like to bring in more young customers. I’m thinking of hosting a queer crafting night once a week, and I was hoping we could work something out where you supply drinks in return for customers.”

Remus thought about this for a moment, and Sirius internally prayed that this man wasn’t homophobic.

“So, would we bring drinks over and the customers would pay us directly for them there?”

Sirius was stunned that Remus actually seemed interested in it. “Um, yeah. I think that would be the easiest thing to do.”

“You’ve got a deal. When’s the first craft night?”

“Really? Great! And I haven’t actually gotten that far. Could I stop in a week ahead to let you know? Hopefully it’ll be soon.”

“Sure. Sounds good. I’m looking forward to it.”

Remus grinned at Sirius, and excitement started to pound in his heart. He was actually doing this. He was going to start a craft night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sirius geeks out over knitting in front of Remus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter written by Katharine!

Over the next few days Sirius and Lily put their heads together to figure out what they'd have to do to get the first craft night up and running. Like nearly everything that had to do with operating a business, the answer was largely paperwork. First they'd discovered that a special event license was required to sell alcohol in the store, both for them and the bar, and then there was the advertising they'd have to do to draw a crowd.

"Hey Lily," Sirius said over the cup of coffee and blueberry muffin he was currently pretending to eat for breakfast.

"Oh, are you finally going to tell me what's bothering you then?"

"Shut it. You know I always get there eventually." Sirius wiped his hands off on his jeans before continuing. "I got all the paperwork filled out for the event license last night and I was hoping you could take it across the road for Remus to sign."

"And I am going instead of you because…" Lily was barely containing her laughter as she pulled her long red hair up into a high ponytail using her favorite pink scrunchy.

"We've been over this Lily." Sirius steeled himself for the lie he was about to tell and hoped she'd just let him have it this time. "I'm going to handle the flyers because of my exceptional design skills, and you are graciously volunteering to do the administrative things."

"Is that what we're calling talking to good looking men now, Sirius? Administrative Things?"

"Sure, whatever, laugh at my social anxiety if you want to, but I saw how you looked at that James guy when we went in the other day. Tell me you're not a little nervous to see him again."

Straightening her sweater so it fell off her shoulder just the way she liked, Lily turned to take their now empty mugs into the back for wash. "Fine then. I'll talk to your Administrative Things for you later today, but you'll have to agree to help me with mine later."

Before Sirius could answer the bell above the door rang out and he found himself face to face with a panicked looking woman holding a bundle of knitting in one hand, and a skein of yarn that looked like someone had tried to eat it in the other.

"Oh, no. What happened here, Mrs Figg?"

The tiny woman didn't worry herself with being embarrassed when she blurted out, "Cats. It's always the cats, isn't it? Who in their right mind would choose to keep yarn in baskets on the floor in a house with so many cats? I would, that's who. And I never seem to learn."

"No worries Arabella," Sirius said through a laugh. "I'm sure we've got more in that colourway in the back. I'll just go take a look."

"Thank you Sirius, you're forever saving me from woollen disaster."

"Of course, that's what we're here for," Sirius called back over his shoulder as he ducked through the curtain to the back room.

The day passed in a trickle of customers, a squabble between Lily and Sirius about the wording for the flyers, and a surprisingly delicious lunch they'd managed to make out of leftovers in the mini fridge they kept in the office until, just after four thirty, Lily took a mock up for the flyer and the liquor license forms over to Remus.

As he watched her cross the road and hesitate at the door for a moment, Sirius had a chuckle at his best friend's expense._ Looks like I'm not the only one nervous about their Administrative Things._

Being able to laugh, not at, but with each other about their anxieties was actually one of the things that Sirius loved about his friendship with Lily. While both of them seemed confident on the surface, Sirius found himself awkward in social situations with people he didn't yet know and trust, and Lily had a tendency to cover her periodic bouts of low self confidence with snarky words and a standoffish attitude. They had discovered how well their personalities could complement each other one night in highschool when they'd both been begrudgingly brought to a party and left behind by their more social friends. Lily passed the time making snide comments about their classmates and Sirius found himself growing more and more comfortable around her as the night went on. They'd been fast friends ever since.

Sirius busied himself tidying up around the store while he waited for Lily to return. Their opening hours only overlapped with the bar for a little while, at least until the craft nights started and they started staying open late once a week, so disruptive or not, this was the best time to organize.

Assuming it was Lily coming back through the door, Sirius took his time sorting the newest batch of yarn in the bins along the wall before startling at the sound of man's voice coming from the direction of the front counter.

"Is this your work?"

"Sorry? Oh, yes. Yes that's mine. Well, Lily's really. I mean the yarn is Lily's, the knitting is mine." _Come on Sirius,_ he chided himself._ Pull yourself together._ _He wasn't asking after the breed of sheep!_

Remus hadn't appeared to take any notice of his embarrassing rambling. Instead, he seemed to be trying to make sense of the blob of knitting, trying probably to figure out what it was meant to be. Sirius crossed to the counter and took the work from Remus gently shaping a section of the amorphous mass to reveal a clear wedge of fair isle colourwork. "It's the yolk of a sweater. The part that starts at the neck and covers the chest and back to the underarm. At this stage it is basically a circle that gets bigger and bigger at intervals. A bit unruly on the needles, but it's much easier to work the patterning in the round."

Sirius worried at first that he'd spoken too much and too soon about something that Remus couldn't possibly care about, but when he looked over, he saw Remus staring back. "This is so cool! When I was a boy my grandmother knit me a whole pile of sweaters. New ones every Christmas and birthday, but I don't think I ever really thought about what that meant. I've never even thought about how you make a sweater until now. Huh."

Sirius stayed quiet as he watched as Remus ran his hands over the fabric, flipping it over and over to see how the yarns were carried along the back and stitched into the front to make the colourful patterned yolk. "So. Cool. I can't believe you're making this. It's awesome."

"Thanks," Sirius found himself saying even though he hadn't yet managed to pull his eyes away from the way Remus was touching his knitting. "Come to craft night and I'll teach you to make your own."

"Oh! Yes! I'm sorry, I got distracted," Remus said, as he started looking around him on the counter. "Here it is. Okay, I signed the papers Lily brought over and they look ready to file but you missed one place where you needed to initial. Right… here."

Sirius' eyes were still on his hands, such nice hands, and much easier to focus on than faces, especially very nice faces, so he missed the way Remus was smiling softly at him. "I would have just sent them back with Lily," he said, as Sirius reached for a pen and initialled in the right spot. "But she was busy trying to explain to James why his suggestion for the flyer was horrible, and I thought if I brought them I could take them in to file tomorrow. It might make it easier since the office is only open when you are."

"Oh. Thank you. That's… That's really nice of you."

By the time Remus had taken the paperwork and started back toward the bar Sirius had managed to get his eyes all the way up to the other man's shoulders. Once, but he did it. So far, so good.

_Hopefully Lily is handling her Administrative Things just as well,_ Sirius thought, as he made his way along the aisle of sticky single plies, mentally picking out the perfect colour pallet for a man who seemed entirely built out of shades of gold. I wonder when his birthday is? Thought Sirius. It's a bit late for Christmas but if I get started now…


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prepping for the first queer craft night ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter written by me :)

The first craft night finally rolled around, and the shop buzzed with excitement. It was October 12th, 1984, and something monumental was about to occur.

This was, at least, what Sirius was telling himself as he swept, dusted, and organized the shelves. Lily was putting together a long table in the middle of the shop, and it was neatly littered with any and all kinds of crafting supplies: glue, scissors, glitter, and the list went on. They decided that the night shouldn’t be dedicated solely to knitting. Crocheters were also welcome, as well as anyone else who enjoyed creating.

“Sirius! Does this look okay?” Lily asked in her panicked voice.

Sirius hated her panic voice. It always made _him_ panic.

“Yes, Lils. It looks fantastic. Don’t stress, okay? How long do we have until it starts?”

“Thirty minutes, maybe? It’s half past five now.”

“Fuck. Okay, can you go get Remus and the drinks?”

“You go. I’m busy with the table.”

“Fine. Fine. Be back in a few.”

Sirius mentally prepared himself as he walked across the street, rehearsing in his head what he would say when asking for Remus. He did this whenever he talked to anyone he didn’t know well. It took him a year to stop rehearsing things in his head with Lily.

Bracing himself, he walked through the door. It was hopping, and he was barely able to make out the silhouette of James’ hair behind the bar. Sirius slowly walked over, going over what he was going to say one last time.

“Hey, James. Is Remus here? We need help bringing drinks over, and I think he’s interested in staying.”

James finished mixing a Mai Tai, and then he looked up, processing what Sirius had asked.

“Yeah, he’s in the back. Just down that hall and to the right.”

He pointed to the hallway that held the bathrooms.

“Thanks, mate.”

Sirius walked down the hallway, turning right when he passed the bathrooms. At the end was an office, stacked with boxes and files. Remus was rummaging through a file cabinet, muttering something to himself. He was wearing a royal blue cable knit sweater, and Sirius couldn’t help but eye it. It was definitely handmade.

“Knock-knock. Are you able to help bring drinks over?” asked Sirius as he stood in the doorway.

Remus jumped a little, startled.

He turned around and gestured for Sirius to come in, saying, “hey! Yes, I’m almost ready. We’re catering a wedding tomorrow, so I’m just making sure we’ve got everything in shape for it. Is it alright if I stay for craft night?”

“Yes! Please do! It’s not just going to be knitting. There’s going to be lots of other things. Do you do any sort of craft?”

Remus quirked his eyebrow, thinking. “I don’t think so. That’s quite ... sad, isn’t it?”

Sirius smiled at him. “No, not sad at all. We’ll find you something. Is your sweater handmade?”

Remus looked down at his sweater and gave Sirius a bittersweet look. “Yeah. It’s the last thing my grandmother made me before she passed away. It’s a bit old and worn, and it’s slightly too tight, but I still try to wear it as often as I can.”

Sirius had the urge to hug the man, but he restrained himself.

Instead, he said, “that’s really nice. Knitting holds such great memories.”

“Yeah. It really does. I always feel like I have a piece of her with me, you know?”

“I get it. We’re influenced by those closest to us. Lily got me into knitting, actually, which is why it’s so special to me. That, and it stops me from killing everyone. Anyway, ready to go?”

Remus gave a deep, hearty laugh. “Yep. Let’s get the ice chest. It’s behind the bar.”

They walked back down the hall, and Remus ducked behind the bar, whispering something to James. He came back out wheeling a dull blue ice chest.

Excellent.

They strolled back to the shop in comfortable silence. Sirius could see through the front window that there was already someone there. He looked at his wrist watch, which read 5:45 p.m.

Oh God, he had missed the first person.

The bell on the door rang as they entered The Marauders. Lily looked up from her conversation with a woman who looked to be about their age.

“Hey! Finally. You took forever. Set the drinks next to the table Remus. Thanks so much," she said.

Sirius felt that perhaps Lily was more nervous than him, if that was even possible.

“I’m sorry, Lily. It’s my fault. We got to talking about sweaters,” said Remus as he parked the ice chest at the end of the table.

Sirius could see Remus taking in all of the different supplies, and his anxiety immediately began to worry that Remus would get bored or not find something to do.

Instead, he saw Remus looking around the store in awe. He’d been there before, of course, but this time he seemed to be noticing things. His eyes went from mohair yarn to linen yarn and back again. Sirius wondered if Remus was starting to notice that yarn looked different from each other. It could be quite overwhelming to those new to yarn stores.

Fortunately for Remus, Sirius would be more than happy to get him settled in.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first queer craft night!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written by Katharine!!

Apparently Lily's idea to flyer the area around the University had been a good one because, shortly after six, people started arriving in pairs and small groups, and most of them were at least three decades younger than Sirius' usual clientele. Sirius left the introductions and small talk to Lily and busied himself making sure that everyone had the supplies and drinks they needed as people started to settle themselves around the tables. In these sorts of group situations Sirius always found he envied Lily's ability to put an extroverted mask over her anxiety. Even if he knew she was struggling just as much as he was, he would have happily traded for the ability to hide it.

As if sensing he was starting to get really overwhelmed, Lily appeared at his side and put her hand gently on his arm to get his attention. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah, yeah. It's just a lot."

"It really is. I thought we'd get a few people. Maybe a slow start to give us a chance to get used to this, but apparently more people were interested in a queer craft night then we thought."

"Yeah, it's kind of amazing really, isn't it?"

"Really amazing," Remus said from behind them, making Sirius jump and Lily squeak out a sound she was immediately embarrassed about, making both men laugh.

"You two are awful! Whatever. I'm going to talk to my new friends who don't laugh at me." Sticking out her tongue, Lily turned to head back to the seat where she'd left her latest work in progress.

"Oh, Sirius? Your walking socks are on the counter. Thought you might need them."

Bless you, Lily. She really was the best friend he could ask for. "Thanks Lils."

"Walking socks?" The questioning look on Remus' face was adorable. Remus was adorable. Sirius' cheeks pinked as he waved for Remus to walk with him to the front of the store.

"I, I get anxious around people, but keeping my hands busy helps, so I started keeping a pair of socks on the needles at all times. I can knit them without paying attention so I bring them along anywhere I might have to navigate people. Lily knows me too well, so she knew I'd need them tonight."

"I've got so many questions," Remus said as they reached the counter.

Bracing for the inevitable discussion about his anxiety, Sirius resigned himself to having to talk to the person he'd most like to impress about the part of himself he'd most like to hide.

"First, you knit socks? I didn't even know that was a thing. Second, you can knit while walking? Like, without looking? How is that possible? Third, what does someone have to do to get a pair of these hand knitted socks? They sound amazing."

That's it? Nothing about how pathetic it is to need a coping mechanism just to move in the world? He just cares about the socks? Sirius stumbled for a moment in surprise before he pulled his walking socks across the counter and opened up the project bag he kept them in to show them to Remus.

Sirius watched as Remus turned the nearly completed socks over and over in his hands. "But, this must be thousands of stitches?"

"Yeah, I guess so."

"And then you're just going to put them on your feet?"

Sirius couldn't help but laugh at the incredulous look Remus was giving him. "Yes. Then they go on my feet. Because they're socks."

"Excuse me?" Sirius and Remus both turned to see a young woman with shoulder length hair and a kind smile.

"Tell me about your sexuality."

Sirius' eyebrows shot up in shock and he instinctively moved to smack Remus' arm. Deftly avoiding Sirius' lunge and catching him by the wrist, the touch of which made Remus chuckle and Sirius blush, Remus pointed at a pin the woman was wearing that said "ask me about my sexuality".

"Nice one," she replied. "Not many people are willing to take the bait. Alright, well, I'm Alice, by the way, and I think I'd most identify as a heteroromantic cis woman who sits somewhere on the asexuality spectrum, grey sexual but much closer to ace then not."

"Well then Alice," Remus said, offering Alice his hand. "I'm Remus. I am a bisexual cis man with a homoromantic preference. Nice pin."

"Nice to meet you Remus, but I fear I've come with a question for the resident knitting expert," Alice said, turning to Sirius. "And I'm told that you're him."

"Well it certainly isn't me." Remus offered Alice a broad smile along with his laugh, and Sirius took the chance to look up quickly and see the way his eyes crease at the corners when he smiles. "Alright, I'll be off then," Remus said, gently placing Sirius' socks back onto the counter. He had turned to start back towards the drinks table when an uncharacteristic bit of bravery caught Sirius and he called out, "Remus? The sock yarn is along the back wall. These will be done in a couple of days. Go pick out something you like and the next pair are yours."

Before the words were even out Sirius could feel the panic rise up the back of his neck. It's like watching someone else. Someone braver. Someone who wouldn't be crushed if this risk wassn't rewarded. Thankfully, Remus turned at the sound of his name and the smile on his face was blinding.

***

Alice spent the next twenty minutes watching Sirius as he carefully took a small section of the hat she was knitting back a dozen rows to fix a spot where she had mis-crossed the cables. By the end, a small group had gathered to listen to Sirius' patient explanations about rescue lines, tips on how to even out corrected stitches and the benefits of triple checking any major design element before rushing on to the next bit.

"He's great at this, isn't he?" Lily's voice startled Remus, coming from just beside him at the counter where he'd been watching Sirius help Alice.

"Yeah. He's… he told me he had trouble in groups, but then he just taught a half dozen people a tricky skill like it was nothing."

Shifting herself onto the counter with a sigh at the relief of being off her feet for the first time in hours, Lily turned to Remus and lightly nudged his arm to get his attention. "The thing you need to understand about Sirius is that he's very worried about making mistakes, about getting things wrong. When he's talking about knitting he's confident in his skills, so it comes easily. When he's talking to people about other things, especially with people that matter to him." Here she taps Remus' arm just lightly again. "His fear gets the better of him."

Remus had hardly taken his eyes of Sirius while Lily spoke and so he didn't miss the way Sirius looked around the room until their eyes met briefly and Sirius ducked his head and looked away.

"Lily? I think I'd like to learn to knit. Could you maybe get me what I'd need to get started?" Lily followed Remus' eyes as they watched Sirius talk animatedly with another customer and gave a soft breath of a laugh. Using Remus' shoulder for support she hopped down off the counter and pulled Remus toward the shelves by the door. "Very devious, Remus. I like the way you think.'

***

It was nine thirty by the time the last of the customers had left the store, and Lily and Sirius were deciding how much to clean tonight and how much to leave for their better rested morning selves when Remus offered to stick around and help them tidy up.

"Have fun tonight, Remus?," Lily asked from the other end of the table they were folding. "Sirius and I are just saying how surprised we were with the turnout."

"So was I," Remus admitted. "I didn't anticipate being so suddenly surrounded by people who were so much craftier than I am, but the crowd was really good. I had more than one nice conversation tonight, and I think I might have made a friend in Alice, which is lovely."

"Oh yes, Alice with the pin. I heard her telling someone that Sirius tried to smack you for being so abrupt about it. Were you able to block him? He's tried that on me more than a few times but I don't think he's every actually managed it." True to her word, Lily seemed to know without looking that Sirius was trying to grab her arm and she turned deftly to the side at the last second and avoided it.

Letting out a frustrated groan, Sirius went back to collecting the last odds and ends from the second table, getting it ready for collapse. "Alice with the pin. I like it. I'll have to call her that until she gives me anything better to build a nickname from. So far all I know about her is her sexuality, her name and that she's apparently been a customer of mine at the bar for the last couple of months. We didn't get much past that after I mentioned to her that an ex of mine had also been aspec, although he had rare moments of sexual desire. I don't think she's had the chance to talk that much about it with anyone. It was nice."

"Well then, perhaps our little craft night will be more useful than we thought," Lily said as she stacked the last of the chairs.

"I don't doubt it," Remus said, as a thoughtful look passed over his features. "A chance to gather somewhere quiet but with a bit of activity to make awkward beginnings less awkward? I could have used something just like this when I was in school."

***

Lily caught Sirius alone for the first time all evening when they were stacking the last of the chairs in the back room. "He likes you," she teased as she dug her knuckles into his sides making him laugh and flail out at her.

"He doesn't know me, Lils."

"But he wants to. And he's had an asexual boyfriend before. And he thinks your knitting is very impressive. Plus, he watched you all night. So, what are you going to do about it?"

***

Remus stayed until all the supplies had been sorted, the tables and chairs put away and all that was left was for Sirius and Lily to go through their regular closing routine. "I tucked your things into your bag behind the counter," Lily said, low enough that only he could hear. "What's the plan?"

"Oh, I thought I'd just try my best and when that inevitably ends in disaster I'll ask him for help." Remus was going through the motions of packing up his bag and the ice chest woke keeping an eye on Sirius as he moved through the store straightening the shelves after the night's activity.

Lily counted out the last of the float, dropping the rest of the days earnings into a deposit envelope she tossed into her open backpack. "Solid plan, Lupin."


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two oblivious men dance around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Written by yours truly, posted while consuming copious amounts of caramel M&M's.

“Sirius, you are coming with me to the bar, or so help me God. I need my wingman!” Lily said as she looked into her bathroom mirror.

She was putting on a bright red lipstick, and she had feathered her hair. Her curves were accentuated in a low-cut little black dress.

She looked so ... different.

“Fine. I’ll go. But you better make me your best man,” Sirius huffed from the doorway.

He wasn’t going to lie — he was excited to see Remus — but he also had to cope with his anxiety. He wondered if he’d be stared at for knitting in a bar.

As they headed out of Lily’s flat, she grabbed her gold cropped jacket with shoulder pads, and Sirius grabbed his black leather jacket. The night was cold, although the bar was bound to be warm.

Arriving at the bar at around seven p.m., Lily forged ahead. Meanwhile, Sirius moved forward at a snail’s pace. When he finally made it inside, he saw Lily sitting at the bar, waving him over. He took a deep breath.

He could do this.

Remus came over as soon as he saw them, saying, “hey! What can I get you two?”

Sirius asked for a vodka soda, and Lily asked for a mojito. Remus went off to get them, and all Sirius could do was watch him. He looked amazing in his white collared shirt and black jeans. While Remus was making their drinks, he struck up a conversation with a young man sitting at the opposite end of the bar. He was good looking, having light red hair and a sprinkle of freckles, well, everywhere. Sirius couldn’t make out what they were saying, but he could see them laughing. Remus even winked at the guy before walking over to deliver their drinks.

“Do you know that guy?” Sirius asked, the words slipping out of his mouth before he had time to think.

He immediately wanted to crawl into a hole, and Lily’s elbow nudge didn’t help.

Thankfully, Remus just laughed. “His name is Fabian, and he comes in every so often. I’ve been trying to work up the courage to ask him out for the past few months. I don’t know. I’m hoping tonight will be the night. He’s so fit, isn’t he?”

Lily and Sirius, both dumbstruck, simply nodded along.

“You know, I have a chronic pain condition. Migraines. I know. Not many people think of migraines as being a chronic pain condition. I have a migraine all the time, so dating is really hard. But Fabian doesn’t seem like an arsehole. I’m hopeful, at least,” Remus said as he mixed a drink for someone sitting next to Sirius.

Sirius wondered if Fabian knew about Remus’ chronic pain, knowing fully well that he, personally, wouldn’t care.

He’d take care of Remus.

“God! I’m so sorry, Remus. I couldn’t imagine having a migraine all the time. Well, let us know if you ever can’t come to a craft night. James can always fill in,” said Lily as she stirred her drink with a stick.

“You sure you don’t just want an excuse to be near James, Lily?” Remus asked raising an eyebrow at her as he smiled mischievously.

“Oh, screw off. Maybe I do. Hey, where is he? I haven’t seen him in a while.”

Remus wiped the inside of an empty glass, saying, “his mom is sick, so he leaves for a few days every few weeks to visit her. He should be back tomorrow, though.”

The mood immediately dropped. Lily squeezed Sirius’ hand underneath the bar top.

“Well, I better get back to work. Can’t spend my time chatting, can I?”

“Isn’t that in the job description of a bartender?” Sirius asked as he tried to figure out how to comfort both Lily and himself.

“True. I do have to rotate, though. Oh, Fabian’s waving me over! Gotta go. I’ll be back soon. Wish me luck.”

And with that, Remus dashed off to tend to the red headed arsehole at the end of the bar. Sirius wanted to cry and get sick, but mostly he just wanted to yell at himself for feeling that way.

Once Sirius saw Remus and Fabian exchange phone numbers, he begged Lily if they could leave. She happily obliged.

“Can I come over to your place, Lils? I’m feeling quite sad. I don’t know why, though.”

“Of course you can. Your spare pajamas are still in your drawer, and they’re clean. And you’re feeling sad because you like him, Sirius. That’s normal. It’s _normal_ to be sad when the person we like doesn’t like us back. That’s when we, the mature adults we are, binge eat and watch shitty rom-coms. How does that sound? We could always stop off at a chipper on the way home.”

They were in walking distance to Lily’s flat, so he readily agreed. Food always helped.

Chips in hand, they made their way back to the flat. Sirius headed straight for the pajama drawer and quickly changed. He settled into his spot on Lily’s couch while she changed and took off her makeup. Sirius thought about the fact that this flat felt just as much like home as his.

Lily came out in pajama shorts and a hoodie, snuggling up to Sirius on the couch. The T.V. came to life as Lily handed Sirius a few chocolate bars. He knew he loved her for a reason. Sirius had decided to leave his knitting at home, not expecting to have a sleepover with Lily. He watched Lily knit her current project, a maroon sweater, and he was absolutely envious. His hands were antsy.

As they watched their movie, Sirius couldn’t help but think about Remus. He didn’t have his knitting to help distract him. He wondered about how much of Remus’ _put-togetherness_ was an act. The man must have been in awful pain all the time, and yet he was able to present himself to the world in a friendly and professional way. If Remus could act that well, he wondered what else he didn’t know about him.

***

The next day, Sirius sat on his stool. The morning was slow, and he was spending his time staring blankly at a row of worsted yarns. The door opening startled him so much so that he nearly fell off his stool. His eyes landed on the Remus.

“Hi! So, I wanted to update you. I got Fabian’s number! We’ve arranged to go out on Friday. Isn’t that great?” Remus asked, practically bouncing from one foot to another with excitement.

Sirius swallowed his bitterness, saying to Remus, “yeah! That’s great. Where are you two going?”

“We’re going to see a movie. It’ll be nice. Something casual. Let’s hope my pain cooperates.” Remus said, rolling his eyes.

“So, how long have you had your migraine for?” asked Sirius, eager to change the subject.

“I was in an accident when I was little. I used to row. A boat fell on my head when I was at practice when I was thirteen. I had a bad head injury, and it’s left me with constant head pain. So, I guess at this point it’s been a little over a decade?”

“How were you able to manage school with that kind of pain?”

Remus let out a deep breath. “I wasn’t, really. I missed a lot of school. Hell, I miss a lot of _work_. My employees are good to me, though. Especially James. He’s a keeper.”

Sirius smiled at him. “Don’t tell me that. Tell Lily.”

Remus let out a laugh in response, saying, “oh, she already knows! Hey, is everything going to plan for this week’s craft night? Anything extra I need to do to help out?”

“Nope. All good on this end. Just give us alcohol. Are you going to be attending it like last time?” Sirius asked.

Remus blushed slightly, but Sirius told himself that it was the radiator he had never fixed. It was boiling in the shop.

“Yeah, I’d love to come and stay again. I really loved it last time. It was amazing to see you teach people techniques. I don’t understand how you can memorize everything that knitting takes.”

Sirius shrugged. “Lots of practice, I suppose. It’s hard work, though.”

“Yeah. Looks like it. Well, I’m going to head back. I need to run some errands before opening tonight. I’ll see you soon, okay?” Remus said as he headed towards the door.

“Bye, Remus.”

“See ya, Sirius.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lily wants to talk, Remus tries, and Sirius is confused.

The next few days felt like they crawled by for Sirius. James had come back from seeing his mother and been by the shop to talk to Lily a couple of times, but her best friend could see her heart wasn't in it. This week as they pulled out the tables and chairs, Sirius took note of the way Lily's whole look had changed in the last few days. A long believer in presenting the person you're aiming to be, a sort of fake it 'til you make it idea that she swore by, Lily liked to dress herself, paint her face, and dye her hair in bright colours with the hope that her bold looks would translate eventually into a bolder her.

Today, however, Lily's signature floral bomber jacket had been replaced by simple stone washed denim, her makeup was neutral and she was missing the thick band of bracelets she usually wore on her left arm. "You okay, Lily? You look a little bit like an overexposed Polaroid version of yourself today. What's up?"

Lily grabbed the table cloth she had picked up by two corners and tossed it up into the air to spread it over the second table. Fixing the alignment with a sigh, she said, "yeah, I'm just not feeling like I can pull off bright colours today."

"You don't need to stay, you know. I can manage this if you'd rather head home."

Lily seemed to consider the offer for a minute while she straightened the chairs around the table. "I'll be fine. I think if I go home I'll just stew in it and that won't be any better. Might as well stay here and keep busy."

"Is it James? I know he came by but you didn't seem that happy to see him. Did something happen?"

"Not really. I mean, it's just, what's Remus playing at? Why's he watching you like you stole the sun then bragging about pulling someone else?" Lily turned to look at Sirius as she spoke and saw him visibly flinch when she said Remus' name.

"Can we not, Lily? It's only, I don't really want to, ugh. Speak of the devil."

Lily followed Sirius' line of sight out the front window to where Remus was coming out of the bar carrying the ice chest of drinks for the night.

"Hey, you going to be okay tonight?" Sirius leaned into the comforting hand Lily had placed in his shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm just going to take a bit of space. I'll let you know if I need to step away."

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you, too."

Sirius found that he didn't have to intentionally avoid Remus as people arrived and started taking their places around the tables. It seemed like everyone that had come last week her come back, and this time brought a friend. With that many people in the store it was a constant effort just to stay on top of people questions about their knitting and the store and Sirius barely had a moment to think about how much he had been worried about seeing Remus again. As the night went on Sirius and Lily each took the chance to hide for a minute in the back room, what had possessed two socially awkward people to throw what amounted to a weekly party anyway? but, all in all the night had gone surprisingly well.

It wasn't until the last of the stragglers were leaving and Sirius was folding and stacking the chairs that he heard Remus come up beside him and join in.

"Wow. That was a lot of people. I honestly hadn't considered that even more people would come this week. You're going to have to get a bigger venue of it keeps growing like this."

Sirius turned to look at Remus, confusion written plainly on his face and took an extra beat to answer, "I guess," before returning to his work.

"You know, I actually had a question for you this week about my knitting, but there really wasn't time. Maybe I could come by tomorrow?" Remus' face was open and expectant. Sirius had no idea that he'd been sat at home with videos borrowed from the library trying to learn to knit, and failing, just like he knew he would.

"Huh? Your knitting? You're learning to knit?" Not even trying to hide his confusion, Sirius stopped gathering the supplies of the table and stared at Remus.

"Yeah, I, um...I thought since you found it difficult to talk to new people, I'd try to learn to knit and then you could help me with it? Because I'm horrible at it. Like, really horrible? I just…" Sirius had not stopped staring, and given the way Remus was rambling, he should have been able to tell it was making him uncomfortable, but he was just so confused.

"You're learning to knit so I can talk to you about knitting, because that's easier for me?"

"Yeah."

"Huh." Sirius told his head a little and seemed to contemplate Remus' words for a second before shaking his head and going back to clearing off the table.

"So… Tomorrow?"

"What?"

"Tomorrow. Could I bring my terrible attempt at knitting by tomorrow?"

"Sure. Yeah, tomorrow."

"I'm telling you James, it was so weird. I mean, at first I thought he was avoiding me because he didn't come over and say hi or anything, but then the place filled up and there was no time. Then when we were cleaning up, I told him about my attempt at knitting. Yes, you can stop laughing now, I know it's terrible. There was no point where I didn't know that. Anyway, I asked him if I could bring it by and he just stared at me. Like, stared. He seemed to be really confused about something, or like focusing really hard, then he just said, "sure."

"Lily was weird this week too." James is wiping down the bar. It's been a few hours since Remus got back from across the road and they are finally able to shut down the bar for the night. "Last week she seemed open and flirty, and I know she said she's snarky because she gets nervous and whatever, but I really thought there was something there. Then this week when I went over to see if she wanted to get lunch, she was distant? Or, like, tired? I don't know how to describe it. It was sort of like someone had turned her saturation knob too far to the left. Like she wasn't as colourful as before."

The two men work in silence for a bit, James tidying and restocking the shelves as Remus resets glasses for tomorrow. "Maybe something happened?" Remus held the glass he'd been about to put on the rack up to the light and used a bar towel to wipe a bit of condensation of the base before setting it down. "They're best friends. Maybe something happened and it's bothering them both."

James made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat before heading into the stock room for more cloths.

"Okay, so, he jumps at the chance to help us with the craft night, then he compliments your knitting way too much to be faking it, then he stays late and helps us clean up, talking excitedly about the socks you promised him the whole time, then we go to the bar and there's Fabian. Don't growl Sirius, what are you a dog? Where was I? Right. He tells us about Fabian, then he comes over to brag about getting Fabian's number, then he comes last night and reveals his plan to have you teach him to knit so you can get to know each other better?"

"Yeah." Lily scowls at the distant sad look on Sirius' face as he sits across from her picking at a banana muffin.

"I don't understand this at all."

"Me neither, Lily, but can we stop talking about it? It's not making me feel any better."

"Sure, Love. New topic, how's your Halloween costume coming?" Lily none so subtly pushed Sirius' plate back toward him. Sirius had a tendency to lose track of meals when he was preoccupied and he's been preoccupied pretty much all the time since they first met Remus and James. Lily couldn't say she blamed him. It's not as if she's done much clear thinking since meeting James either, although her interest in him had taken a back burner to her concern about the way Remus is treating Sirius. If this is the way his friend behaves, why should she expect him to be any different. Not to mention, she'd no interest in pursuing James if it meant Sirius would have to spend more time around Remus. He'd been miserable enough already.

It was just after two when Remus brought his knitting into the shop. Sirius was surprised at first because in all the talking Lily had made him do about Remus and his strange behaviour over the last week, none of it apparently had been about how to handle this visit today. From the way Remus hesitated at the door then shuffled his feet a bit on his way to the counter, Sirius could tell that he was also feeling the awkwardness between them.

"Hey, any chance you've got time to help me with this?" Gone was the bright eyed, self assured Remus that Sirius first met a week and a half ago. This Remus was nervous, almost shy, like he'd expecting Sirius to turn him away.

"Yeah, sure. Take it to the red chairs? Can I make you a cup of tea? Coffee? I was just going to start a pot myself."

"I'm happy with either, thanks."

Remus turned to walk over to the red armchairs in the front window and Sirius watched him for a moment before ducking into the back to put on the kettle.

"What did you need help with?" Sirius asked, once the tea had been made and they are settled in their chairs.

"Umm, everything?" Remus pulled what looked to be a poorly constructed ball of yarn out of his bag and it takes a full minute for Sirius' to realise just how terribly Remus' first foray into knitting has gone. Once he understands that the blob Remus is holding is his knitting, if you can call it that, no he thinks, you can't, he can't help but laugh broadly.

"Hey now," Remus said, trying to sound stern while clearly holding back a laugh of his own. 'It's not nice to laugh at someone for trying."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're right." Sirius' laugh dwindled to the occasional chuckle and then faded completely.

"Why are you trying to learn to knit, Remus?"

"I was, I wanted...I saw the way you spoke so openly and easily about knitting and I thought if I learned to knit you could... maybe speak to me that way too." From the way Remus is determinedly looking at his hands where they hang between his knees, it's apparent that he's just told Sirius more than he thought he was ready to divulge.

"I can't, I'm sorry...I… I'll get Lily to help you," was all Sirius could get out before he could feel his breath starting to come too fast and he knew he needed to leave.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you've got important things to settle, where better than a Halloween party? Let's have bluefay get us ready, shall we?
> 
> (It's a school day, so I've taken over posting duties. I apologise in advance.)

The following morning, Sirius woke up to the kitchen phone ringing. He stumbled out of bed, immediately regretting having drowned himself in vodka sodas as soon as he'd gotten home last night. 

Reaching for the phone, he answered, nearly whispering, “hello?” 

Dorcas screeched into the phone, “Sirius! Thank God. Lily called and told me what happened last night. She said you had just disappeared. We’ve both been trying to get a hold of you all morning. Are you okay?”

Dorcas was out of breath, and Sirius thought it was far too early to be dealing with this.

“Wait, all morning? What time is it? And yeah, I’m fine. She told you about Remus?” Sirius asked assuming his usual sitting position on the kitchen counter.

“It’s, um, a little past twelve I think. Yeah, she did. God, what an asshat. I actually wanted to talk to you about Remus.”

Dorcas paused, and Sirius sensed that she was afraid to tell him something.

“Dorcas, spill it. Let it out. What, do you two know each other?” Sirius asked this jokingly, but Dorcas came back with a serious answer.

“Uh, no, but Marlene does. They were friends at university, I guess. I think she was friends with James, too. Long story short, she asked if she could invite him to the Halloween party. I said sure since I didn’t know who the hell this _ Remus _guy was. Anyways, he’s going to be there. Just wanted to give you a heads up.”

All of the air left Sirius’ body. Remus was going to be at the party. He wasn’t good with parties anyways, let alone parties with arseholes that he couldn’t stop liking.

Dorcas cleared her throat. “Sirius? You there, honey?” 

Sirius snapped back. “Uh, yeah. It’s no problem. I’ll be fine. I mean, I kind of have to be fine. Do you know if James will be there?”

He heard a heavy sigh on the other end. “I think he’s coming. But you know you don’t have to come, right? I’ve racked my mind, trying to figure out a way to uninvite him, Sirius, but I can’t think of one. Can you?”

“No. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair on him. He should be allowed to be social. I’ll be okay. I promise. But James being there would make Lily happy,” said Sirius, letting out a dry laugh. 

"True. At least she’ll have a good time," Dorcas said before suddenly pausing. “ ... Sweetheart, what can I do to make the party bearable for you?”

“I don’t know, Dora. I guess supply me with lots of alcohol and sweets?”

“Okay, I’m not going to let you use getting smashed as a coping mechanism. Think of something else.”

“It’s effective! Ugh. I’ll stick with the sweets. And I suppose petting your dog in a corner will also suffice.”

“Good. Alright. I’ll see you in six days, okay? Give me a ring if you need anything before that, love.”

“Okay. Love you.”

“Love you too, Sirius.”

***

The next few days passed by at a slow but tense pace. There wasn’t a lot of activity in the shop, so Sirius mostly spent his time working on his walking socks, chatting to Lily, and occasionally assisting Mrs. Figg.

As the days drew nearer to Halloween, the more anxious Sirius felt. He knew he’d have to see Remus. He would have to, anyways, since Halloween fell on a Wednesday. But this was different. This was in a _non-work_ social setting. He was screwed. He somewhat wished he hadn’t cancelled queer crafting night at the shop in lieu of Dorcas’ party.

On the morning of Halloween, Sirius didn’t want to get out of bed. He thought of all the reasons why one might not need to get out of bed. For example, his throat was a bit ticklish. Perhaps he was coming down with something. Maybe it would be best if he stayed in bed all day and contemplated the meaning of life.

Eventually, he got himself out of bed, although at this point he was going to be late for work. Sirius rushed to find decent clothing, settling on an argyle sweater he had knitted last year and his trusty pair of black jeans.

It was raining, as per the usual English weather, and the shop was as quiet as ever. Lily was helping Dorcas get her flat ready for that night, so Sirius didn’t even have her to entertain him. He was left to his own devices: the walking socks, knitting magazines, and rearranging the worsted yarn shelf four times.

When his watch hit five o’clock, Sirius packed up his knitting and locked up shop. He rushed home, trying to figure out how he was going to do his hair in order to achieve the ultimate Ponyboy look.

As soon as he stepped through the door of his flat, he began to strip. As his clothes began to fly everywhere, he simultaneously began to dig out his costume from the closet. He tucked a plain blue t-shirt that he had cut the arms off of into his loose blue jeans. He headed to the bathroom, squirted as much hair gel as he could into his hand, slathered his hair, and then combed it in. It felt disgusting, but it looked good.

On his way out, he pulled on his ratty pair of black Chucks and a blue zip-up hoodie. He took one last look at himself in the small hallway mirror.

There, before him, was Ponyboy. And he was going to have a panic attack. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry, I'm no good at parties. -astoundinglymade

"Tell me again why we're going to this party?," Remus called from the mirror where he was attempting to slick down his wavy hair.

"Because it's a party, Remus. I never understand how you can be so fun at times, then such an actual bore at others. I'm already letting you get away with the lamest costume known to man, the least you can do is stop whining about going to the party."

"Fine, James. But I'll have you know that Clark Kent is an amazing costume idea and, at the very least, means I'm not the one who will be traipsing around looking a fool on the way to and from tonight." Remus chuckled and gestured pointedly at James' bare legs.

"It's Halloween, Remus. Everyone looks a fool. And I'll have you know that Marlene told me Lily loved Risky Business." It should be hard to look smug in a dress shirt and underwear but James nearly pulled it off for a moment before continuing, "anyway, I'll wear my jeans on the way. Not looking to spend the night in lock up, am I?"

Remus laughed and pushed his way out of the washroom. "I don't pretend to know what you think, James."

"All done making yourself pretty for Sirius, then?"

"Shut up, James"

"At least I'm not lying to myself about my reasons for going," James teased, as he opened the door and waved Remus through.

"I'm not...I just, stop it!"

"Don't worry about trying to get the words out, Remus. Your blush says it all."

"I just want to talk to him, James. I want to know what I've done wrong. Maybe he's not even interested, but I really don't want him mad at me." They had descended the stairs and turned into the road before he could get the next part out. "He was so hurt. I just, I don't want to hurt him."

Sirius had a rule about parties which is, when they can't be avoided, it's best to arrive on the early side when you can still be guaranteed a spot in a quiet corner. Corners are good, corners let you interact just enough but also give you somewhere to hide, but sometimes corners leave you wedged in by two people who are, by the looks of it, trying to conduct tonsillectomies on each other simultaneously, using only their faces. This was exactly where Sirius found himself when he heard, then saw James and Remus make their entrance.

"Of course the buffoon would have entrance music," Sirius muttered to himself while trying to decide if further into the corner, or out and over the panting couple would be his best option. Apparently it had only taken James coming through the door and pulling off his jeans before someone caught wind of his wannabe Tom Cruise getup and switched the record to Bob Seger. Over and out it is.

Having freed himself from his tangled couch mates, Sirius made his way to the kitchen to get another beer and hopefully find… _ Remus. I'm never going to another party, I'll just _… But before Sirius could slip out he felt a hand on his arm. "Hey, Ponyboy."

Bracing himself, Sirius turned to face Remus for the first time since running out on him a week ago. "Hi."

"I was hoping you'd be here. I...I've done something and you're mad at me, and I'm an idiot, clearly, but I don't know what it is."

"Can we not? I can't...I think I'm going to go." Sirius could feel the walls pressing in and the sound in the room starting to swell in what was the unmistakable beginning of a panic attack. He needed air, and quiet, and he needed them now. "Lily? Get Lily? Outside," he managed to breathe out before turning and stumbling for the balcony.

The sliding door to the balcony opened and Sirius felt a hand on his shoulder. Recoiling from the touch he scuttled to the opposite corner and curled himself around his knees. "Shit, shit! I can't find her. Sirius? Are you okay? I can't find Lily. What do you need?" 

"Stop...just can't… Talk please? Ask me something."

"Okay, umm, ahh, why Ponyboy?," Remus asked while he slid himself down to sit across the balcony.

"No. Something simple. Colours? Hold on, wait, I'm going to try." Remus was still while he waited. As confused as Sirius was about what was happening between them he couldn't help feeling better just having him there. "My shoes are black. Your tie is red. Your eyes are green? Are you Clark Kent?"

"Hey, welcome back, Sirius. I'm not going to lie to you, that was really scary. Are you alright? Do you want me to try and find Lily again?" Remus started to shift his weight to get up, but Sirius held him back.

"This isn't going to be over for a bit. Can you just stay here? Just talk to me about anything so I don't slip back?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course."

"Well, that was not how I thought that party would go," Lily said as they were making their way home in the early hours of the morning.

"The part where I had a panic attack and Remus helped me, or the part where Remus had to help me because you and James were holed up in one of the bedrooms?" Remus cackled as, for once, he managed to dodge the smack she sent his way.

"We were just talking!"

"Sure you were, Lils. The boy you like shows up to the party in only his underwear and you disappear into a bedroom to _ talk _. I definitely believe you." Sirius watched as an exasperated and tipsy Lily did her best to look aggrieved, and failed. "You're ridiculous."

"You might want to watch who you're making fun of, Ponyboy, since I happen to have some information I think you'll like. Something James told me when we were TALKING!". The attempt at emphasis is a little louder than she expected and somehow Lily manages to startle herself with the sound. Ridiculous.

"What's that, baby girl? What did half naked James have to say?"

Sirius laughed and steadied Lily's shoulders as they climbed the stairs to her place. "Shut it, Sirius. I shouldn't even tell you because you're making fun of me, but I will because I love you." Lily propped open the front door in invitation and said "Remus likes you. Apparently he won't shut up about you. And he thinks you hate him."

"What about Fabian?"

"James said that was just a thing, like a fling? It sounded to me like he's not one to get attached? I don't know, James just kept going on about how you were like, different or special? Or scary or something?" They settled on the couch and Lily groaned in relief as she pulled off her shoes. The costume was good, especially if James' reaction was anything to go by, but the shoes had been murder after so much walking.

"Scary. Just what every boy wants to be," Sirius said with a sigh. "Can we maybe not do this tonight? I think I've had enough baring myself in front of people for one evening."

"Sure, babe." Lily stood and offered her hand. "Come on, bedtime. We'll go snuggle and pretend tomorrow won't hurt."

"Perfect."

"Ugh. Did you see her, though? Come on, Remus. Lots of girls do Janet, but like, she _ was _ Janet, you know?"

"Yes, James. I saw her, just like I've told you a dozen times." Remus couldn't help but smile fondly at James as he flopped himself down into the armchair in their apartment a couple of miles from the bar. "Let me remember," he said, tapping his chin. "I believe she was the one who was gorgeous, and the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and also perfect, but like, actually perfect, you know? Am I thinking of the right one? Her name is some kind of flower… Rose, is it?"

"Stop it. Might I remind you about the monologue I had to listen to last week about just how captivating Sirius' eyes are?," James asked with a raise of his brow.

"Yeah, well. I'm pretty sure I've screwed that one up, so you're probably saved from any more of those." Remus shrugged off his jacket and pulled off his tie before hugging a pillow to himself and curling into the closest corner of the couch.

"Hey now, you'll go 'round the shop and talk to him. I'm sure you can sort it out," James said, in his best impression of a motherly tone.

"Probably best not to given that when I tried to talk to him tonight, he had a panic attack. Maybe it's just best to leave it be."

"Best for who?" James watched as his best friend tried to disappear himself further into the couch. "Lily says he likes you. Said he was pretty put off by the whole Fabian thing? If you can get him to give you a chance to talk, I think you might want to explain what it is that has you scared about all this."

"I'm not sure he wants to see me at all, what makes you think he wants to hear me whine about my stupid migraines?"

"But it's not about your migraines, is it? Your migraines are what they are. It's the way people treat you because of them that has you scared."

"Yeah, but.."

"What did Sirius say when he found out about your accident?"

"He asked about school and work and how I managed. He seemed worried," Remus said with resignation. "I know. I know that, I just,... If I've already messed it up, why would he even want to listen? I'll be fine, really James."

"I don't doubt it, Rem, but one of us has to want more than fine for you. Come on, let's get to bed."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bluefay makes them talk it out.

Sirius’ body ached from the night before, and he was both mentally and physically exhausted. The bags under his eyes were a clear sign to his customers at the shop that he was in no shape to carry on any type of proper conversation. Thankfully, most people left him alone. And, due to his fatigue, he didn’t notice a tall, lanky man from across the way slipping a note under the door.

At five o’clock he decided that it was okay to close up shop. After all, a customer hadn’t come in during the past two hours. As he walked towards the door, he noticed a piece of folded paper. As he unfolded it, he immediately recognized the handwriting from all of the forms he had filled out with Remus.

_Dear Sirius, _

_ I’m worried you’re mad at me, and that’s the last thing I want. I’ll be honest, I don’t know what I’ve done wrong. I’d like to talk. Would you be willing to come to my place around six o’clock? I just want to clear things up. I don’t want to lose you, and I certainly don’t want the queer craft nights to be weird. Don’t forget your walking socks. _

_ Remus x _

Sirius smiled at the last sentence. Remus had managed to forget to mention his address, so he’d need to call the bar and ask James for it. As anxiety provoking as it was, he also felt the need to clear things up.

After calling James, he sat behind the counter and knitted his socks at a disturbingly rapid pace. It was a miracle he didn’t drop any stitches. Lily would have been proud of him. His anxiety made him feel like his heart was going a hundred miles an hour.

At 5:30 he closed up shop and took the 5:45 bus to Remus’ flat. At least he didn’t live very far away. The building was quaint but nice. Sirius was surprised that a bar owner could live in such a nice building.

As he walked up the stairs, he gave himself a pep talk. It didn’t help in the slightest, and he would definitely be informing Lily that the magazine article she showed him on anxiety was absolute bullshit.

Sirius stood in front of the door of 6B for a solid five minutes. He could hear Remus bustling about. That nearly made it worse. He hoped that what he was about to walk into would be bearable. Before he could chicken out, he knocked three times. Sirius immediately heard footsteps approaching, and he braced himself.

Remus opened the door. He was wearing a mustard colored sweater with particularly beautiful ribbing. Sirius knew it was handmade, and he assumed it was from Remus’ grandmother.

“Nice sweater. Your grandmother?”

Remus looked down and then grinned. “Yep. She was a wonderful woman. God, if only she could still make me sweaters. I’m a little bigger than I was five years ago. I suppose that’s what working in a bar will do to you. Come on in.”

Sirius entered the flat. It was small, but Remus had truly made it his own. There were sketches and drawings hanging up on each wall, and large windows were everywhere. It was a surprisingly open space given how small it is.

“Uh, welcome to my humble abode. It’s not much. Want me to put on the kettle?”

“That’d be great, thanks. And it’s lovely. Did you draw everything hanging up?”

As Remus moved towards the kitchen, gesturing for Sirius to follow, he said, “no, I’m an awful artist. James loves to sketch. It’s his knitting, I suppose. The lucky bastard. He has something he’s good at. Anyway, I love his work, even if it’s just doodles. Would you like Digestives or tea cakes?”

“Digestives would be fantastic. And his work is beautiful. Can you tell him I want some? I’ll pay him. My walls are incredibly bare. I could use some life in my flat.”

“Absolutely. He’d love that!”

They moved to the couch in the living room, geared with chocolate Digestive biscuits and black tea. As they sat down, an awkward silence fell over them. Neither man knew how to start the conversation.

It was Remus who finally broke the silence.

“So, I want to talk. I suppose I’d like to know what I’ve done wrong.”

Sirius sighed. He had never been good at voicing if his feelings had been hurt.

“I think I’m just confused. I thought you were flirting with me, but then at the bar the other week you talked about Fabian. I’m not very good with mixed signals.”

Remus sipped his tea and then said, “ah. Well, how good are you at long stories?”

This peaked Sirius’ curiosity. “I’m good with anything as long as I get some answers.”

“Alright. Well, as you know, I was in an accident. I spent the majority of my teen years in the hospital. The doctors haven’t really figured out what to do with me, I suppose. Not much is known about chronic migraines. I was made fun of when, on the odd day, I did attend school. Even the doctors I’ve seen don’t believe my pain level. Everyone seems to think I’m making it up. I think I’ve become a very closed off person from all of it. Look, Sirius. I like you. A lot. And that’s really scary for me. I’ve only ever done casual things, like with Fabian. We’ve gone to the movies and held hands, but that’s about as far as I’ve been willing to go with other people. The accident royally fucked me up. I’d love to date you, but I just don’t know if I’m able to.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. He was so tense that the Digestive in his hand accidentally snapped in two. 

“Alright. Uh, well, that makes sense. I imagine I’d probably feel the same way. I like you too, Remus. I understand if you aren’t able to date. I wouldn’t be able to do anything casual. For me, it’s all in or nothing. I’m like that with everything. For example, I couldn’t just be a knitter. I had to go on to open a damn yarn shop. You know? But, um, I guess I’m wondering where this leaves us?”

Remus thought for a moment. “I guess we’ll go back to being friends, if that’s okay with you? That’s really our only option, I suppose. How do you feel about that?”

“I wish we could be more. I’m not going to lie about that. But, I can be content with friends. You’ll still coming to craft night?”

“Of course! And I feel the same way. I wish we could be more. There’s just too much I’m dealing with. Plus, I’m not able to function fully most days. I’m not willing to put that on anyone, no matter how much it hurts.”

Remus gave Sirius a sad smile, and Sirius’ heart broke.

“I understand. Well, I just want you to know that I’ll always be here if you’re ever ready. Well, if you still like me, that is. I guess what I’m trying to say is that your pain, if we ever were to get together, would be my pain too. You could unload it onto me.”

“But that’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I don’t want anyone to experience what I do, nor do I want to have to be taken care of by anyone. But I’ll keep that in mind. My crush on you certainly isn’t going away anytime soon.”

Sirius smiled at him and stuck out his hand, and Remus grabbed it. “Friends?”

“Friends.”

The rest of the evening was spent consuming Chinese takeout and watching _ Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom _. It was a pleasant enough evening. Sirius just wished that instead of sitting a polite distance away from Remus, he was in his arms. Perhaps there’d be a kiss or two. But that was wishful thinking.

They were only friends, after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But then I make them TALK. -astoundinglymade

On the way to work the following Wednesday, Sirius tucked a note in the door jamb of the bar for Remus. "Bring your knitting tomorrow. Lily says it's a mess." Sirius had spent the last few days thinking, and talking, and reading (and maybe crying) about chronic pain, and Remus, and had decided that letting him move whatever relationship they were going to have forward at his own pace was best. "If what he can do right now is friends, then I'll be lucky to have him as my friend," he'd told Lily just the night before.

"What's this? Did you stop for treats?" Lily nodded toward the bakery box on the counter as she came in on Thursday morning.

"Nope. That was set outside the door when I showed up this morning with a note from Remus."

"Oh, really? He leaves you gifts now?" Lily raised her eyebrows almost comically high before letting loose the laughter she'd been trying to hold in.

"Shut it, okay?" Sirius ducked behind the shelf to his left to hide the blush he could feel creeping across his cheeks. "I left him a note yesterday telling him to bring his knitting tonight, and this morning he left those with a note saying that his attempt at knitting was a horrible disaster, and that he felt anyone who would offer to help him with it deserved to be thanked in advance."

"He likes you," Lily sing-songed from her place by the register.

"I know. But that doesn't change anything. He asked for friends, and I'm giving him friends. We already talked about this." Coming in front of the counter, Sirius looked Lily in the eye and said, "don't push this, please. I'm trying as hard as I can to let him take charge and I don't want your teasing to put him off."

"You know I won't. And anyway," Lily said, taking a croissant from the box, "James says he's heard almost as much agonizing about this from Remus' end as I have from yours. He wants it to work too, hopefully he just needs time."

"I really hope you're right."

"Don't worry, I always am." Then, opening up her arms in offering, "Come for hugs."

"Look James, I'm just saying, I'd rather just be friends with him than start something and disappoint him."

James stopped walking, jerking Remus to a halt at the other end of the ice chest. "And I'm saying, you're not giving him enough credit. You haven't given him a chance to prove that he can," he held up his hand to stop Remus' objection, "or can't, manage a relationship with you. And, I'm not going to divulge anything here, because it's his place to tell you, but you have no idea what he's even offering. No, no, listen to me. You have this whole idea that no one will find you worth the trouble and, to be honest, I'm sick of it. It's insulting. I find you worth the trouble. I've been finding you worth the trouble for years, and it hurts to have you ignore that."

Remus can tell from the way James turned his head away, that he was likely fighting back tears. James had always been a bit of a crier, but never without reason. As his mother had told him, "sometimes he just feels things a little more than others." She always said it like it was a good thing but Remus knew James was often embarrassed by how readily his eyes seemed to water. "James," he said, softly. Like an invitation he could take or leave. "I love you. And I don't take you for granted, I really don't. You're just so much better than other people that I don't assume anyone else can measure up. It's not that I'm ignoring you, I just hold you higher than mortal humans. You're not competing in the same category."

"Tell me I'm pretty and I'll forgive you." James turned with the smallest hint of a smirk playing on his lips, "am I prettier than Sirius?"

"Ugh. Not fair, James. Is anyone prettier than Sirius?" Remus didn't miss James' snort when he sighed. "But then, I think Lily and I disagree on that, which I'm sure you're happy about."

"I mean, yeah. I'd throw your compliment under the bus for one of hers so…"

"Just pick up the ice chest, jerk." 

Together, they picked up the chest again and headed across the street to help set up.

"Hey, I'm really sorry I've been busy all night but I'd really like to take a look at that mess you've been making out of some of Lily's best yarn. If only to put it out of its misery." Sirius had finally pulled himself away from people with questions and things to pay for, and had snuck behind the drinks table at the end of the counter. Settling himself on the corner of the counter he held his hand out for Remus' project bag. "Come on, putting it off isn't going to make it easier."

Remus turned around at the sound of Sirius' voice and found himself standing inches from the other man's side. "Hey!," he managed to squeak out in a cracked voice he was already planning to deny, only to be greeted by Sirius chuckling softly.

"Smooth, Remus. Did I take you by surprise?"

Mostly recovered now, Remus prayed his voice wouldn't betray him. "Yeah, I wasn't expecting you be so…"

"Handsome?"

"I was going to say busy, but that works too." Remus felt the urge to run creeping up but it tried to remember James' lecture. Sirius had agreed to friends, but they both knew there was more to this, and it was bound to surface now and then. He reached for his knitting and handed it over. "Honestly, before you open that, I want to apologise. I legitimately tried, which really is the saddest part."

Laughing softly, Sirius took the bag and said, "I'm sure we'll figure it out."

The truth was that Remus clearly had tried. All the stitch counts were right and technically he had produced something that embodied the spirit of the pattern, but his tension was all over the place and Sirius could see why he was disappointed. "This is actually much better than I thought it would be." Sirius was turning the attempt at a ribbed hat brim over and over in his hands, looking it over. "The counts are right, the stitches are here, you just need to relax. Some of these stitches are so tight, it's obvious that you were trying too hard to get them right. Practice will fix that. Hold on."

Sirius put down the hat and reached forward to hold onto Remus' bicep to steady himself as he dropped down off the counter. Remus nearly flinched at the contact but steadied his arm at the last second with some determined effort, and watched Sirius duck behind the counter to grab a tote bag printed with the hang in there cat dangling from a rainbow. "Cute bag."

"Right? Lily gave it to me. Okay, I'm going to give you my knitting and I want you to work on it for a bit."

Stepping back with his hands raised in front of him, Remus sputtered out, "no. No you do not want me to do that. I'll ruin it."

"You won't ruin it, Remus. It's simple stockinette stitch in the round." Sirius was settling himself back on the counter next to Remus, leaving room for him to join. "Knit stitch, after knit stitch, after knit stitch. Knitting really is one of the things that practice makes perfect. I'll cover the drinks. You just work on this for a while and see if you can find a comfortable rhythm."

"I really don't want to wreck your work, Sirius. What if I make a mess of it?" Remus climbed up to sit beside Sirius', eyeing the knitted fabric warily the whole time.

"If you make a mistake, I'll tink it back. It'll be fine."

Remus looked decidedly unsure as he accepted the knitting from Sirius, but he did as he was told and slowly attempted a few awkward stitches. "I'm not going to watch you, you know. You can relax. Just take your time and see if you can get comfortable."

"Can I ask you a question?" Sirius kept his eyes out on the store. He hated being watched while he tried something new, and he really didn't want Remus to feel he was being judged for his effort. "Hmmm," he hummed in response.

"You seem a lot more comfortable today. Like, you've been meeting my eye and you're sitting really close. Not too close, that's not what I'm saying. I like it, I'm just wondering why?" Sirius chanced a glance out the corner of his eye and saw Remus still bent over his work.

"I told you, I'm mostly anxious around people I don't know. You might not remember, but we had a bit of a heart to heart last week. It makes this sort of thing easier for me."

"To be fair, I think I was the only one pouring my heart out the other day, but I'm glad it helped." Sirius could feel Remus tense up a bit beside him, his closer elbow pulling up slightly. Without looking he moved his hand to touch gently on Remus' shoulder. "Relax. It's just knitting. You're doing great," then pulled his hand back to his lap. If he'd been looking, which he wasn't, because he promised not to, he'd have seen Remus' eyes drop shut for just a second before he took a slow breath and took up the needles again.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence Sirius clasped his hands in his lap and crossed his ankles. "Would it help you if I told you some of my crap too? I mean, I was thinking about it this week, and you didn't really give me the chance to state my case for why your chronic pain doesn't put me off dating you."

"Sirius..." Remus laid the needles down in his lap, but kept his head down.

"Do you know that when we met Lily gave me proper lecture about how I wasn't to hide from you. She knew I'd want to. I did want to. Right away I knew you could tempt me to push through all the walls I've built to keep myself safe and I was terrified." Remus shifted a little on the counter in a way that brought his shoulder just close enough to rest against Sirius'. Taking it as a sign of support, Sirius continued. "I've been on my own, well no. I have Lily. But aside from Lily, I've been on my own for a long time. I was sixteen when my parents found out I was gay and threw me out. I haven't seen them since. I have a brother I don't know anymore, who may still hate me, and a lot of internalized homophobia I'm still trying to work through. And I'm ace. I don't date either, Remus. You don't exactly have the monopoly on reasons you're better off alone."

Sirius felt more than saw Remus turn his head toward him. "Sirius… Can I...I mean, I'd like to hug you. Can I hug you?"

"Yeah."

Moving carefully, Remus slid off the counter and came to stand in front of Sirius, hips between his knees. For a moment they just looked at each other before moving forward to meet chest to chest, Remus' face tucked into the curve of Sirius neck. Sirius could feel the words against his throat when Remus spoke. "God, you're making this difficult, aren't you?"

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus cracks first thanks to the delightfull bluefay.

“James, I’m actually going to internally combust,” Remus said, sittingon James’ couch in a full-fledged panic.

He’d gone over as soon as craft night was over, as he had no idea how to handle himself.

“Listen, Remus. You obviously are infatuated with Sirius, as you literally never shut up about him. Maybe you should consider being more than friends.”

Remus could tell that James was, indeed, losing his patience on the topic. He knew that James thought he was being an idiot. He certainly felt like one.

Remus ran his hand through his hair and sighed, saying, “I don’t know, James. I just don’t know. I really like him, and my brain is screaming at me to be with him. What the fuck do I _do_?”

James pulled him into a snuggle on the couch. Remus was, indeed, grateful that James was above toxic masculinity.

“I can’t tell you what to do. But, as your designated best friend, I can strongly advise you. Fucking go for it, Remus. There’s no harm in it. Sirius is a great guy, and he clearly likes you. Stop hiding. It’s going to get you nowhere in life,” James said.

Ouch.

“Okay, but what if he doesn’t end up liking me as much as he thinks he does? Or, what if my migraine gets in the way?”

James let out a frustrated groan. “We’ve been over this, haven’t we? If he doesn’t mind your migraine as a friend, he certainly won’t mind it as a boyfriend.”

“James ... would you dial Lily’s flat for me? He mentioned that he was going there after he finished locking up the shop. I need you to do it, or else I’m going to lose my nerve.”

***

“Lily, I hate this. I hate being friends," Sirius said as he sat at her kitchen table, knitting in hand, as his mind went a hundred miles an hour.

Lily brought over chamomile tea.

“Honey, I know. Unfortunately, you’ve got to respect his wishes. But maybe you could show him that you know a little about chronic pain?”

“How the hell do I do that? I don’t know the first thing about what he’s going through, besides what he’s told me.”

Sirius slurped his tea, hoping that it would calm him down.

Lily grabbed his hand and held it. “I have a book that Petunia gave me on chronic pain. She is convinced that something is wrong with me, and that’s why I’m so unpleasant.”

As Lily said this, they both burst out laughing. Lily’s older sister was a miserable, insufferable human being.

“Right. Well, at least it’ll come in handy?”

At this, Lily’s eyes practically rolled back in her head.

As she got up to grab the book from the bookshelf in the living room, she shouted, “sure. If that’s what you need to tell yourself.”

Sirius spent the rest of the evening pouring over the small, yet incredibly detailed book on chronic pain. It surprisingly had a chapter on chronic migraines, which he hadn’t been expecting. The book listed symptoms and sensitivities that those with chronic migraines might experience, such as light and noise sensitivity and nausea. He read these aloud to Lily as she sat on the couch next to him, knitting a new shawl that she’d been excited to start. The book also explained that people suffering from chronic pain often feel incredibly isolated, and they usually feel the need to pretend that they aren’t in pain. This made his heart sink.

Just as he had closed the book, the phone rang. Lily dashed to the kitchen and picked up. 

“Hello?” she said, silently shushed Sirius, as he had followed her into the kitchen to eavesdrop. 

“Hey Lily. It’s James. I’m calling on behalf of Remus, who is a giant weenie. He wants to talk with Sirius. I think he wants to hang out? Ugh. I don’t know what the fuck he wants. Can you get Sirius?”

“Sure, one sec. Sirius! Remus wants to talk to you!”

Sirius knew the drill, and he feigned footsteps. 

“Hey.”

He tried to sound casual. Unfortunately, he came off sounding like a thirteen-year-old boy trying to chat up his crush.

“Hey, Sirius. Are you able to meet up tonight? I know it’s late, but I want to talk some more?” Remus said.

“Yeah, of course. Um, is everything okay?”

“Yes. Absolutely. I just want to talk to you more about everything. Is that okay?”

“Definitely. Where do you want to meet?”

“My place? I can be there in about thirty minutes.”

Sirius couldn’t deny that he was excited.

“Perfect. I’ll see you then.”

***

Sirius arrived at Remus’ flat thirty minutes from when they hung up on the dot. He was just about to knock when he heard someone coming up the stairs.

“Hey! Sorry I’m late. Uh, come on in,” said Remus.

He unlocked the door and motioned for them to go inside. 

“No worries. I was early, actually.”

Remus put his keys down, and then they sank into the couch.

“Hey, how did your head do with the noise at the craft night?”

At this, Remus was taken aback.

“Uh, it spiked. But it always does, and I took my abortives at James’ house. I have a secret stash there.”

Sirius smiled reassuringly at him. “That’s good. Did the medication bring the pain level down at all?”

“A smidge, but not really. It rarely does anything significant,” said Remus, looking extremely embarrassed. 

“Thank you for coming to the craft night, especially since it always makes your migraine spike.”

That was all Sirius could think to say, but it was more than enough for Remus.

“Of course. Thank you for thanking me, or acknowledging my pain, I guess. Um, anyway, I wanted to talk about being friends.”

“Okay. Shoot.”

Remus turned to face Sirius and took a deep breath, saying very quickly, “I want to be more than friends but I don’t know how.”

Sirius was stunned into silence.

Eventually, he said, “alright. Well, I don’t really know how to date either, if it makes you feel any better.”

Remus was looking down, picking at a hangnail. “I guess what I’m asking is will you be my tentative boyfriend?”

Sirius grinned. “Yes! I mean yes, of course I will. What can I do to respect your boundaries?”

“I don’t know. I suppose we’ll figure it out on the way.”

Sirius smiled at him, and Remus grabbed his hand. 


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More talking, some other things, you know how much I like it when people speak their needs. -astoundinglymade

"So, you mentioned that you've dated someone who was ace before. Can we talk about that? I've had some not great experiences that I'm really hoping to avoid repeating."

They'd been talking for an hour and a half already, slowly making their way through the sort of funny parts of their dating histories and now they had started moving into more vulnerable areas. Remus had shared a bit about an ex who had tried to pressure him to take things further, in a way that Remus found really overwhelming, and Sirius saw an opening to talk about his similar experiences.

"Yeah, sure, I mean I'd like to keep some of their details private, because that's not really mine to talk about, but I'm guessing you want to know more about my feelings around it anyway. Am I right?" Sirius nodded and kept playing with the fingers on Remus' left hand. They had gotten a little bolder as they talked and were now sitting cross legged, knees touching, facing each other on the couch. "Okay, so I think the important thing for you to know is that everything I know about asexuality comes from that relationship. I remember James trying to tell me I should read up on it or something but from what Josh, sorry, my ex, his name was Josh. So, from what Josh was telling me everyone's experience is a little different and not everyone who is asexual, or who thinks they might be somewhere on that spectrum, has the same limits or levels of interest so I decided what was best was to just learn his."

"Oh, that's actually really interesting. Huh." Sirius sat back a little and scrunched up his face in thought. "Lily did that reading everything she could find thing and I tried it, but honestly, I found it hard to find myself in a lot of the descriptions. Sometimes I'd think maybe there was an entirely different label for me, and then after a while I just decided to ignore the books and set my own definition. Looks like we took two different routes to the same place."

"That's actually really relatable. I remember trying to figure out my sexuality from books at the library and wow, that was not helpful. There were books with one paragraph hidden in the back that suggested that sometimes men liked other men and then there was the whole rest of the library about straight people." Remus shook his head and laughed before continuing, "I was almost out of highschool before I even heard the word bisexual and only then because someone was shouting on the street about how bisexuals aren't even real. What a way to find out you're imaginary, you know?"

"That's fantastic! I hope you put your imaginary status to use right away." Sirius picked up Remus' other hand and held them both up between their faces. "I mean, I had a suspicion that you were too good to be true, but…"

"Stop it!" Remus tried to pull back his hands to cover his blush, but Sirius held tight.

"I'm not going to let you cover that beautiful face, Remus. You're just going to have to get used to me saying nice things about you." Sirius pulled Remus forward by his hands until their noses were almost touching. "You seem pretty real to me."

"And this seems like a good time to ask you about your boundaries." Neither of them had pulled back and Sirius was still holding their hands in his lap.

"Can I kiss you first?" Sirius watched Remus' eyes widen and then soften. From this close he could see the thin line of green that ringed his irises and delighted in knowing there probably weren't many other people who'd been able to see it.

"Yes. Please," Remus said and waited for Sirius to come to him.

The kiss was soft and simple. When Sirius pulled back Remus' eyes were still closed and he took a second just to look at the man in front of him, before bringing his hand up to touch his cheek just along the ridge. "My boundaries are ever changing. I always like cuddles, I'm a sucker for hand holding, and having someone's hand in my hair, and I love kissing. After that it changes, mostly based on the way I feel around the other person. I need to feel very comfortable with someone before I feel like I can take things further. Not everyone is happy with that answer."

"I'd like you to feel comfortable around me." Remus turned his head to kiss the palm of Sirius' hand. "Not because I want to pressure you, just because I like you, and I like how much easier you seem to be finding it to talk to me recently. I like that I made you feel safe enough to do that."

"Well then, you'll have to keep letting me get to know you. Now scoot over so I can lie down on you. It's been a long day." Sirius jokingly pushed Remus back toward the corner of the couch until he'd rearranged himself sitting back against the back cushions, then he laid himself down with his head in Remus' lap.

Remus just laughed softly as Sirius wiggled around to get himself comfortable then carefully pulled out the elastic holding his hair and ran his fingers through it gently. "Like this?"

"Yes, please." Sirius let his eyes fall closed. "Now, tell me something about your headaches. I read as much as I could but it think this is another case where it's better just to hear it from you."

"You read up on migraines?"

"No, I read up on chronic headaches after brain injuries. That's what you said, right?" Sirius opened his eyes to see Remus looking down at him smiling gently.

"You're beautiful, you know." Remus traced a finger along the edge of Sirius' jaw. "And, yeah. Migraines after injury, I'm just surprised you looked into it "

"Well, I had a lot of nervous energy to get rid of after you told me you wanted to be just friends. That was a pretty shitty few days. Lily got so sick of me moping around." Sirius pulled Remus' hand into his own and kissed across his knuckles. "I'm really glad you changed your mind."

"Me too. I'm pretty sure James was ready to kill me for a couple of days there." Remus laughed. "At least our moping got them together, I guess. They did seem to spend quite a lot of the time they were avoiding us together."

"Hey, Remus." Sirius' voice was soft but firm as he adjusted himself to fully face Remus again. "I really need you to tell me about your migraines. You're avoiding it, and I get that, I know about being scared, but you need to remember that I want this, I want to know you. I really want to feel like we're both working on this."

For a long moment, Remus watched his hand where it moved through Sirius' hair, seemingly lost in thought. Sirius could see his teeth working the side of his bottom lip and decided to just enjoy the moment. Remus would talk when he was ready.

"I'm not sure there really is a way to explain it. I've tried so many times. To doctors, and my parents, to people I've tried to be with, even to James, and every time it comes out not at all how it actually feels. Everyone has headaches, but what's a headache to you might not even register for me, because we're different, right? We have different experiences." Remus was still working it out as he talked, hand still moving through Sirius' hair, voice in that half there place it goes when you're thinking and talking at the same time. "All I can tell you is that I have good days and bad days, and sometimes the medication works, but mostly it doesn't, and there are doctor's appointments sometimes that leave everyone frustrated. I've got tricks, and things I try to avoid and I'll teach them all to you over time. I really don't want to hide this, it's just so much a part of me now, and so individual to me that it's hard to explain."

"Hey." Lifting himself up to sitting, Sirius shifted until he was mostly sat in Remus' lap and took his head between his hands. "That was perfect. I don't think I'm ever going to know what it feels like, I just want to know what you need. As long as you'll tell me, that's perfect."

"You're perfect," Remus said with a smirk.

"And tired. Perfectly tired. I'm going to call a cab, I think. Too tired for the bus." Sirius stood up and stretched lazily.

"Is it too soon to suggest you could stay here?" Remus reached for Sirius' hand and played nervously with his fingers. "I don't want to overstep, but I am really quite a good cuddler."

"Not too soon. I'll stay."


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus is in pain and Sirius tries to help.  
(Bluefay, your thoughts on rice are... I can't even talk about it)

Sirius hung up the phone in the kitchen, feeling relatively deflated, Remus had just cancelled a date for the fourth time in a row due to a migraine spike. He‘d even missed queer craft night. Sirius was worried, and he missed him. The absence of Remus was quite noticeable.

He wondered if James had been to see him. Sirius just wanted to make sure that he was okay. Remus had specifically told him to not come over, which had hurt his feelings slightly, but he'd understood. He supposed he’d feel the same way. People had been cruel to him, after all. Sirius knew Remus would have to build a certain amount of comfort around him, just like how Sirius had to do the same with him. 

The day went by very slowly and without any excitement. Sirius, no longer having anything to look forward to, sat in his pajamas and watched television. He debated calling Lily, but chances were she was hanging out with James. 

As the clock hit seven p.m., he decided to call Remus again. Sirius wanted to check up on him. As the line rang, he jiggled his leg. He, in all honesty, didn’t know how to help Remus.

“Hello?” Remus greeted him horsley.

He sounded like hell.

“Hey, Sweetheart. It’s Sirius. Just calling to check up on you.”

“Hey. I’m alright. About the same. Are you ... can you come over tonight?” Remus asked. 

“Of course! What time? Do you want me to bring anything? I can make a Tesco run before coming over.”

Sirius didn’t want to sound to eager, but he was excited to see Remus. It had been a month, after all. 

“I think I’d like something plain for dinner. I haven’t eaten all day because of my nausea, so I know I need food in me. Would you be willing to run to Tesco and pick up white rice? You could cook it here, of course.”

Remus sounded like he was crying. 

“Of course. Anything. Do you want any 7Up for your stomach? And Remus, are you crying?”

Sirius didn’t know if that was the right thing to ask, but he did it anyways. 

There was a pause, and then Remus let out a small whimper.

"It hurts so much.”

“I’m going to Tesco, and then I’ll be right there. Hang on. I love you.”

As soon as Sirius hung up the phone, he realized what had slipped out at the end.

***

An hour later, Sirius let himself into Remus’ flat with the spare key he’d been given in case of an emergency. He was armed with 7Up, white rice, and lots of love. 

He spotted Remus on the couch. To be more precise, he saw a lump under a thick blanket on the couch. God, he didn’t know how Remus did this. 

“Hey, sweetheart. I’m here. I’m just going to put the groceries down and then I’ll come say hi. Okay?”

Sirius didn’t get a response, but that was alright. He put the soda in the fridge and then began boiling water. As the water heated up, he walked over to Remus. His hair was greasy, and there were large circles under his eyes, which he could barely open. Sirius gently kissed his forehead, which was sweaty, yet cool to the touch.

“Hi. I’m here. I’m going to take care of you, okay? I’ll stay for as long as you want. I’m boiling some water for the rice right now so we can get food in you. Have you been able to drink any water?”

Remus lightly shook his head.

“Alright. I’m going to get you started with some water. I’ll be right back.”

Sirius dashed into the kitchen, popped the rice into pot, and got a nice, cool glass of water for Remus.

“Here you go, sweetheart. Can I help you sit up?” Sirius asked, setting the water down on the coffee table.

Remus nodded, and Sirius peeled back the blanket so he could help him. Gently grabbing his arms, Sirius pulled Remus into a sitting position. He handed him the water, which Remus took with shaky hands. He was able to down the entire glass which made Sirius feel a little better. 

“I’m going to go get you some more. Do you want any 7Up?”

Remus nodded, and so Sirius went back to the kitchen to refill the water and get another glass for the soda. The rice seemed to be cooking nicely, so he was going to leave it for a few more minutes. 

“Okay. I’m going to set these down on the table for you. I don’t want you to overwhelm your stomach with liquid. What would you like on your rice? One blink for plain, two blinks for butter, three blinks for salt, four blinks for ketchup.”

Remus grimaced at the last option. Alright, maybe Sirius was the only one who ate rice with ketchup.

Remus blinked once. 

“Plain it is. I’ll be back with it soon, okay?”

Sirius made his way back to the kitchen. The rice was done, so he scooped it out into two bowls, one plain and the other lightly salted. He'd fogrone ketchup on his own helping, worried that the smell of it might make Remus’ nausea worse. 

“Okay, honeybuns. Let’s get some food in you, shall we?” Sirius asked in a whisper, trying hard to keep his voice low.

Remus looked down into his bowl and then mouthed _thank you_ at Sirius. Sirius mouthed _you’re welcome_ back. 

They ate in silence, although Sirius was constantly looking over to check on Remus. Remus noticed this at some point rolled his eyes, causing Sirius to smile to himself. 

“Do you want any water?” Sirius asked.

Remus nodded.

More water was consumed, as was 7Up, and then Sirius tucked Remus back in. He looked uncomfortable, however, and slowly shifted until he was lying on Sirius’ lap, letting out a heavy sigh.

Sirius stuck his hand under the blanket and lifted up the back of Remus’ shirt, gently moving his hand in circles around his back. Sirius used to do this to his brother whenever he was feeling sick. Nostalgia hit him like a train. He hadn’t felt this sort of closeness in a long time. 

The silence between them wasn’t awkward. It was nice, in fact. Remus’ breathing had become heavier, and just as soon as Sirius had come to the conclusion that he had fallen asleep, Remus broke the silence.

"I love you too."


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turns out I have thoughts about bowling. -astoundinglymade

"You really don't have to do this." Sirius just turned and shot a look over his shoulder, but Remus wouldn't be deterred. "I'm fine really, you don't need to close the store on my account, in the middle of the afternoon, just so I can go."

Sirius turned the key in the lock and paused to go through his mental checklist one more time. Safe locked, back door locked, sign posted, alright, front door locked, we're good. "Do we really have to do this again?" Sirius turned and shook his head at the sight of Remus gnawing on his bottom lip and looking at the ground. "We wanted to go with you, Remus. That's the whole point. You can't be replaced with flashing lights and obnoxious music. Nobody feels like they're missing out, so drop it."

"Okay, I just…"

"You just nothing. Come on, were already running late."

James, Lily and Dorcas were standing outside when they arrived, heads together, deep in conversation. "Yeah, but, if we do it together? Push for couple teams?" They hear Dorcas say before Lily can cut her off. "Teams? Yeah, right. Let me guess, you'll be on hers? No way."

"Have we already started the competition?" Sirius asks, by way of greeting. "Marlene is obviously the one we have to take out, but I'm with Lily. Couple teams is just a sneaky way for Dorcas to get her hands on the title. Sounds a bit like cheating to me."

"I'm missing something. Who wants to fill me in?" James looks to Lily, eyebrows up, and motions to Remus, as if to say 'well then, you're up.'

"Yeah, sorry. Okay. Marlene is infuriatingly good at bowling. Owns her own shoes good, brings her own monogrammed ball good, beats us every time good. I'm really sorry, Remus. When you agreed to come bowling with us, you probably thought we were here for fun, but no, some of us are here to win." Lily punctuated the last word with a jab to Remus' chest that was maybe a bit more enthusiastic than it needed to be to make the point.

Remus held his hands up in surrender. "Woah, you're… Okay. Alright, I'm not going to lie, I'm a little afraid of you right now." Lily just crossed her arms over her chest and stared back smug. "This is what does it for you then, James?," Remus said over Lily's head to where James was standing still conferring with Dorcas.

"Absolutely. Bloody terrifying, isn't she?" James moved to stand next to Lily and slipped an arm around her waist. "Might want to think about that next time you're inviting Sirius to another one of your pity parties."

"I'm not," Remus manages before Sirius is sliding between them, chest pressed into his side, arms slung low on his hips. "Ignore him, love. You know I'd go to any party if you were there."

"Ugh, gross. You guys are so gross!" Dorcas took the finger she'd been using to mimic gagging out of her mouth long enough to point at the doors. "Let's get in there, Marlene will be losing her mind by now, I'm sure."

Sure enough Marlene was impatiently tapping her hand on the scoreboard computer when they finally reached the lanes she'd reserved for them. "Sorry babe, those two were being gross," Dorcas said, waving her arm toward the seat where Sirius was currently perched in Remus' lap. "How are we splitting up? Anyone have a good plan?"

"I'm coming with you guys. Make this a good old playground style girls versus boys match," Lily said before going up onto her toes and pressing a kiss to James' cheek.

James mimed grabbing after her, arms reaching across the ball return, "don't leave me alone with them, come back my love."

"Get over yourself, Potter," Lily let out with a roll of her eyes before she turned to face her new teammates with a wicked smile. "Ready to win?"

"Yeah, so," Remus stumbled a little, surprised that he'd managed a voice loud enough to draw their attention in the first place, and now that he had it, wishing he hadn't. "I know you guys usually go to the glow bowl thing on Friday nights, and well, it was really nice of you to do this, come to this, ugh." Remus scrunched up his hands and locked his elbows, switching to the robotic voice he used to say things he couldn't get through otherwise. "Thank you for changing your plans so I could come."

Everyone stood stock still, only eyes moving as they looked around the group, and passed a look between them that dared each other to respond. Marlene was the first to break. "Is he always like this?" She looked between James and Sirius, then turned on Remus. "Remus, although it is clearly a hardship for us to skip the excitement of glow bowl and come bowling in the afternoon, when we can hear each other speak and actually see each other and the edges of the lane, I'd like to say on behalf of everyone, that if you ever apologize for not being able to enjoy something again, we're going to tease you mercilessly for it until the end of time. Understood?" The dare was evident in her posture, shoulders back, legs planted wide, brows up with intention, and the seriousness of it was what was eventually too much. One by one the group began to laugh until Remus made a funny little noise in the back of his throat.

"I just, I'm sorry, I'm not good at asking people to change their plans for me," he stammered.

"Right," replied James with a pat on the shoulder. "But if your friends know what you need they're more than happy to help. Alright, let's bowl."

An hour and eight frames later two things were clear. Lily had been right when she'd said that they bowled to win, and Remus was apparently an excellent bowler. "Why didn't you tell us you could bowl, Remus?" Sirius was delighted to find out his boyfriend was keeping them neck and neck with Marlene and her team, but Dorcas didn't seem to find it nearly as entertaining.

"Why? You'd rather keep your unfair advantage over there?," Remus shot back, relaxed and snarky now that he'd gotten his anxiety about the outing out of the way.

"Frankly, yes. Yes I would," Dorcas answered. "I'm the one that has to go home with Marlene if we don't win."

"Right, but you might consider that you also have me to go home with if we do win, and stop wasting your energy picking fights." Marlene reached over to tug on the collar of Dorcas' shirt. "Come on, you're up."

"Don't listen to her," James offered, patting Remus on the back. "Just think, if you lose you've got Sirius to answer to." There was a stern look to his eyes, clearly convinced that this logic will motivate Remus to do his best, but it faltered when he heard Remus laugh.

"Hey, Sirius?" The tone was light and teasing. "What will happen tonight if I lose here?"

Sirius' eyes went soft as he sidestepped the ball wash and came to stand at Remus' side. "Cuddles, I'd think? And maybe that ice cream you tucked away." Remus ran a hand up Sirius' back and let it rest at the base of his neck.

"And if I win?"

"Whatever you'd like, I suppose." His voice comes out distant, a little too thin and Remus chuckles low and quiet.

"Whatever I'd like? Well then, cuddles and ice cream regardless. Not exactly the motivation you were looking for, is it James?" Remus used the hand on Sirius' neck to guide him forward into a hug and delighted in the way his head came to rest in its familiar place in the dip of Remus' left shoulder. "I'm one ice cream away from winning right now."

"I'm with Dorcas, you two are gross," James huffed as he reached for his ball. "Just try to win, okay?"

"Find me a better prize than Sirius and I'll get right to that." James doesn't even pretend to muffle his groan when he flubs his delivery.

The teams are neck and neck going into the tenth frame when Lily decided everyone should take a breather before going forward. For most of them this meant a trip to the washroom, but James and Remus begged off and offered to get another round of drinks instead. Bowling, Remus had been told, is a serious sport, so everyone is sticking to non alcoholic drinks until the game is over. It's unclear if these are the regular rules or if they've adapted today to cater to Remus in more ways than one. It's not that he can't drink, he owns a bar for goodness sake, but that alcohol mixed with noise and stress are generally not a good idea unless he's prepared to spend the following day alone in a dark room, hugging his pain killers in one hand and his dignity in the other. In any event, he'd been happy to find out that he wouldn't be the only one not drinking.

They are stood at the bar waiting on the drinks when Remus felt James turn to him, open his mouth, then hesitate. "What is it, James? Come on, just out with it."

"That obvious?" Remus just rolled his eyes and tipped his head like, come on. "When Sirius said that if you won you could have whatever you like, you chose cuddles. But, is that really what you want?" He hesitates, but Remus just waited and let him figure out what he wanted to say. "Lily tried to explain it, that Sirius doesn't like sex? Or doesn't want it? Look, I'm fuzzy on the details, but what about you? Are you alright with this?"

"Am I alright with the most interesting and caring and beautiful person I've ever known wanting to spend the night cuddling and eating our way through the good ice cream? Yeah, James. I'm more than alright." From the deep crease across James' forehead, Remus could tell that he hadn't fully set his friend at ease, but then, that wasn't his job, was it? "Things are new for us, and yeah, they're a bit different than I'm used to, but honestly, I'm not worried about it. Getting to know Sirius better, and letting him know me, that's probably the most intimate thing I've ever done with anyone." Remus moved to rest a hand over James' where it lay on the counter. "We haven't had sex, and we most likely never will, but he's the first person I've ever really wanted to share myself with, and I'm not throwing that away."

"As long as you're happy, and as long as he's happy, Rem." James turned his palm to properly hold Remus' hand. "But I will say, I'm a bit jealous. I haven't had a proper cuddle with you since you two finally figured yourselves out."

"I'll keep that in mind," Remus said as the bartender came forward with their drinks.

Neither Remus nor Marlene were having the best night of their bowling careers, but 260 and 255 respectively going into the tenth frame did put them at more than double, or in James case triple, their friends scores. The two patiently waited as the others played their final frames, cheering like fools when Dorcas nailed a tricky spare and groaning along with Lily when that last fickle pin refused to fall.

Marlene was first up and threw a beautiful strike, setting herself up for the extra ball. Remus stepped forward to pull his lucky fifteen pounder out of the return and was surprised to feel Sirius reach out and stop his hand. Pulling Remus by the wrist, Sirius turned him until they were chest to chest and raised up to whisper in his ear. "A kiss for luck?" Remus found his lips with his eyes closed and let himself relax into the slow slide of Sirius' lips against his own. "Was that supposed to calm my nerves, Sirius? Because I'm really not sure it worked."

Back at his ear Sirius' words are little more than breath. "It's just a game, Remus. You're getting cuddles regardless," then a line of soft kisses down his throat.

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to distract me." Remus took a long, slow breath. "Let me win this and we'll head home, okay?"

"Yeah. Okay."

Without hesitation Remus slotted his fingers into his ball took two steps forward and threw a perfect strike, right up the middle.

"Come on!" Marlene's voice rang out loud in the near empty alley. "Alright, fine then, we both have one more go. Wish me luck, babe." Dorcas carne out from behind the computer and took Marlene's hands in her own. "Remember, if you win this you can have whatever you'd like," she cooed in a terrible imitation of Sirius' earlier promise.

"You wish!," laughed Remus from across the lane. "These cuddles are mine. Show us what you've got, Marlene."

"Give us a strike!" Lily rushed forward looping her hands around Marlene's neck and placing a goofy wet kiss on her cheek. "You've got this."

Marlene weighed her ball back and forth between her hands and eyed the pins. "Okay, let's do this," she said, and took the final step into her throw. "Yes!" The girls team erupted in cheers. "Alright, Remus, let's see what you've got!"

"Alright then," said Remus, nice and calm. He kissed Sirius once on the join of their hands and grabbed his ball. "If this is a strike, I win. You ready love?"

"Ready."

It was almost funny how easily Remus planted his front foot, bent his back leg and pushed off, releasing the ball while never taking his eyes off Sirius. "Let's go home. I'm wanting those cuddles now."

The flashing of the X on the screen above them casting a green glow over their heads as they said their goodbyes.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm flagging this for homophobia and violence, protect yourselves. I'll catch you up before the next one if you need to skip it. -am
> 
> Chapter by bluefay

“And we’d like the chocolate cake to share, please."

Sirius stared at Remus as they sat across from one another at a fancy, yet quaint, restaurant that was tucked away behind a small alley. They weren’t celebrating anything in particular, although the evening did happen to coincide with having dated for two months.

They certainly were above celebrating such trivial things, like monthly anniversaries, though.

As they waited for the cake to arrive, Sirius whipped out his project bag. 

“So, I’ve been meaning to ask about the crafting night,” Remus said.

Sirius briefly paused his knitting and then resumed, although his stitches were slightly tighter. “What about?”

“Well, I know our numbers have gone down. It’s getting towards Christmas time, so I don’t know if people are just too busy to come. I’m just ... concerned.”

“I don’t know, Rem. I’ve been worried about it, too. I don’t want people to have lost interest. I created this to bring younger crafters together, but I feel like it’s just falling apart. You know?” Sirius asked, his voice becoming much quieter.

Tears began to prick at the corner of his eyes. Remus grabbed his hand from across the table and gave it a squeeze.

“I know. Listen, we’re going to fix this, love. You’ve got me, Lily, and James. You’re not alone. We’re going to make this work.”

Remus gave Sirius a reassuring smile. 

As their cake came, _happy anniversary_ scrawled across the top in chocolate icing, Sirius gave Remus a sheepish grin. He may or may not have told the restaurant they were celebrating a very special night.

“You’re the sappiest person in the world. You know that, right?” Remus grinned at him.

“You love it,” Sirius shot back.

“I absolutely do.” They leaned across the table to give each other a small, soft kiss. 

***

It was the following Wednesday, and Sirius wrung his hands in anticipation. He sat behind the counter at the shop, too anxious to move, while Lily set up the long crafting table.

“Honey, it’s going to be okay. Why don’t you go check on Remus? And my boyfriend, while you’re at it. He never returned my call from earlier. The moron,” Lily said.

“Alright. Ugh. I hate waiting, and we still have an hour to go. Fuck me.”

Sirius slid off his stool and wandered across the street to the bar. It was surprisingly packed, possibly because of the holidays, and he wandered towards the bar. Remus was wearing his favorite jumper that his grandmother had made, the one he had worn to the first queer crafting night, and Sirius smiled to himself. 

“Good evening, dashing sir. Are you available for the evening?” Sirius asked flirtatiously, and Remus looked up from the drink he was mixing.

A pink blush bloomed across his cheeks.

“Why, yes! In fact, are you available to go to the coolest queer crafting night ever? I heard it’s fantastic!” Remus said, grinning.

Sirius’ heart melted. Remus, somehow, always knew exactly what to say.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Sirius said softly.

Just then, a burly man took interest in the two of them. He was clutching his drink, clearly having been nursing alcohol for a while.

“Queer crafting night? Why don’t you wear dresses and heels while you’re at it?”

The man laughed into his glass, and both Remus and Sirius’ faces blanched.

“Alright, Greyback, I think you’ve had enough. I’m going to close your tab,” said Remus, and Greyback’s eyes turned hard.

“You can’t do that. I’m a paying customer, although now that I know you’re a queer I’m going to take my business elsewhere,” Greyback slurred.

Anxiety pulsated throughout Sirius’ body. Remus’ eyes were turning red with the threat of tears. He had to do something.

Turning to Greyback, who was sitting on the stool next to him, he said, “you know what, arsehole? Good. Take your business somewhere else. We don’t want hate here.”

Sirius felt like he was going to throw up, but the small smile that Remus gave him was worth everything.

Greyback stood up, towering over Sirius, and sneered. “Fuck you. I don't have to listen to you.”

He shoved Sirius, hard, and he stumbled back. Without thinking, Sirius shoved the man back. Despite Greyback being built like a brick wall, he also stumbled back. It certainly helped that he was intoxicated.

This was when everything changed. The entire bar had turned to watch as the two men glared at each other. Greyback, without warning, punched Sirius in the face. The blow landed on Sirius’ nose, and he felt a trickle of warmth run onto his upper lip. 

Silence fell over the bar. Sirius wiped the blood from his nose on his hand, Remus staring in shock from behind the counter, and then he did the unthinkable.

“You’re going to regret you did that, you bastard.”

And with that, Sirius laid a punch straight in between Greyback’s eyes.

***

“You did _ what _?” Lily screeched at Sirius as he held ice to his nose.

It was forty five minutes later, and he, Remus, and James were back in the shop. James had broken up the fight, as Remus had been rendered useless in shock.

“You should’ve heard what he was saying to Remus, Lils. It was fucking awful," Sirius said, wincing as he spoke.

“It was pretty bad, babe,” James added, stressfully running a hand through his hair.

Lily held ice to James’ eye, as he hadn’t escaped without any scrapes.

She sighed heavily. “What am I going to do with the three of you?”

“Knit us sweaters as thanks?” Remus suggested as he hugged Sirius, who was seated on his stool. 

“I hate you all. Like actually, truly hate you. How dare you scare me like that!” huffed Lily.

Sirius smiled at her. This was why he loved her.

“Sorry. We’ll give warning next time a homophobic giant starts a bar fight,” James said, snorting.

“Better. I’d like that,” said Lily.

All three men snickered, and Lily just rolled her eyes. 

“Who wants to bet that after seeing us tonight no one will show up next Wednesday?” Sirius asked.

Remus held him tighter, then whispering into Sirius’ ear, “thank you. I ... thank you. I know that was hard for you.”

Sirius leaned back into him and squeezed his hand.

He would do anything for Remus, and he always would. 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Catch up time: Greyback picked a fight, Sirius took him out. Another win for the side of good.
> 
> Now let's go on a little walk through anxiety brain. -astoundinglymade

"Sirius, I know you're helping someone right now, but when you're done?" Lily was smiling that frantic sort of smile that only came out when she was in over her head, and gesturing at a defeated looking man who had his head bowed over a lump of something vaguely crochet like in his hands.

"Of course…" Sirius pulled out the chair on his right and waved the man forward.

"Ed. Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt, I just…"

"It's no problem, Ed," Sirius said kindly, indicating that Ed should feel free to put his work down and make himself comfortable. "You're not the only one who showed up tonight a little panicked about the state of their Christmas projects. Sirius smiled what he hoped was reassuringly, and tried to push his worries about his own Christmas knitting back into the part of his mind he was currently trying very hard not to dwell on. He still had two inches of ribbing and both sleeves left to finish on Remus' sweater, and given that Christmas was only two weeks away, and that this was secret knitting, he was cutting things a little close. "Just give me a minute to get this back on the needles for Tasha and I'll be right with you."

"Can you believe we survived that?" Remus had given up any pretence of trying to stay professional as soon as the last customer left the store and Sirius had thrown the bolt. His voice came from where he was now lying on the floor behind the counter. "That had to have been the largest group we've had yet."

"No doubt, but hold on, love." Sirius crossed quickly to the doorway to the back and flicked the switch to set the lights to their night level, just enough to let the security cameras work, before coming back round the front to join Remus on the floor. "From what I gathered, a lot of people were getting worried about their Christmas projects and a couple of our regulars spread the word that they should come by." Remus hummed in response but kept his arm across his face. "You can open your eyes, love. The lights are down."

Peeling back his arm and opening his eyes, Remus blinked over at Sirius. "How did you know?"

"Come on, we've known each other long enough for me to be able to tell that you're flaring." He moved over, just slightly, until he could press a soft kiss to Remus' shoulder. "What else can I do for you?"

"Can we leave this mess for the morning, and can I come back to yours? I know my place isn't much farther, but it's feeling it tonight."

"I'm never going to say no to you staying with me, Rem." Sirius kissed him once more then made to get up. "Plus, you shouldn't be alone tonight. Someone needs to make sure you're looked after."

"That wasn't…" Remus started to roll himself onto his knees but froze when the faster then necessary movement temporarily jarred his neck in a way that shot pain up into his skull. "You don't have to do that. I didn't mean to suggest…"

"But I did. Now, come on, slowly this time. We both know I can't possibly carry you." Sirius held out a hand that was gratefully accepted and together they managed to get Remus vertical, and mostly in the same amount of discomfort as when they'd started. _ You can't always hope for better, _ Remus thought to himself, _ sometimes you're just happy things didn't get worse _.

"I know," Remus said at breakfast the following morning. "I'm not saying that the fear wasn't founded, I'm just saying maybe we were _ so _ worried that things weren't going well with the numbers at craft night because we're both anxious people."

"But the numbers were dropping." Sirius looks over his tea at Remus, still wearing the confused look he's had on his face since they started this circular conversation more than twenty minutes ago. "We didn't imagine it. That really happened."

"Yes, I know. But what I'm saying is, what if our anxious brains blew the importance of that out of proportion? What if it was just a regular kind of dip, like how just after new years there's about a week where the bar is fairly quiet while everyone tries to keep their resolutions, then by the end of the month the numbers are up again." To be honest, Remus had spent quite a lot of the last week coming to this conclusion, so he wasn't surprised that Sirius wasn't getting it right away. "Okay, let me explain it this way. When James and I were in second year, we showed up on the first day of classes to find out that one of our electives had been cancelled." He could see Sirius grip his mug a little tighter at the thought, and thought, _ yes, exactly _, before continuing. "So when we find this out, James and I are standing in front of the door of what is supposed to be our Tuesday morning class, only to find a sign that directs us all to contact our academic advisors. James, a non anxious person, reads the sign and promptly complains about waking up early for nothing, while I, a reasonably anxious person, proceed to imagine a chain reaction of events stemming from this one that is bound to leave me degreeless and unemployable. My anxiety made it so much bigger than it needed to be. What if that's what we're doing here?"

"Okay… Okay. Yeah, I get that." Sirius tapped out an elaborate pattern on the edge of the table with his fingers while he worried the inside of his cheek between his teeth. "But how will we know?"

"You're not going to like this part," Remus said with a shrug, "but I ran it by James, and he agrees."

"Alright, well just give it to me then."

"We wait." Remus had the sense to look apologetic at least, while he said it, but he'd known all along Sirius was going to hate this part.

"We wait? How long?" The tapping intensified until Remus reached across and took his hand.

"To see a pattern? Months? Maybe years, the point is," his grip tightened as Sirius attempted to pull his hands free in frustration. "The point is, we just continue. This week word of mouth really helped us, next week it might be something else. In the short term, I say we should poster more around the University, maybe with a flyer that mentions offering help with Christmas gifts. In the long term, we'll just have to keep paying attention to who's coming and how they find us. I know it's not a silver bullet, but it's feasible and I think it will work."

Sirius turned his hand over in Remus' and hooked their fingers together. "I can't promise I won't be anxious about it, but I'll try. In the meantime though, can I still come to you with my spiraling thoughts about it?"

"Always."

"You are making a much bigger deal of this than is necessary," Lily said as she pointedly pushed Sirius' lunch toward him again. "For one, he's not expecting this, so you can't possibly disappoint him. Two, there's no way you'll get this done if you insist on spending all your free time together, plus visiting each other at work. And three, you need to eat something, let's go."

Begrudgingly, Sirius put his knitting back down and picked up his fork. Eating was a necessary evil at the best of times, but when he felt particularly stressed, even if it was his own fault, thank you Lily, eating became almost insufferable. As the sweater deadline grew closer, he was pretty sure he was only eating at this point because Remus and Lily had made a practice to make sure he did. "I know it's my own pressure, Lil's, I do, but I just really want to get it done for him. Now that I've got both the arms on the long needle, it's basically socks except for the increases, which wouldn't be suspicious at all except for the fact that they're attached to the body of a sweater that's pretty hard to hide."

"He'd be fine without it being a surprise, you know. Or even getting it for new year's?" Lily made a shameless eating gesture that made Sirius feel like a child, but he raised his fork anyway. "He's going to love it regardless."

"I know, I just really want it done for Christmas morning. I know it's silly, but that's the way I've imagined it from the beginning."

"Okay, love. Just try to keep yourself in mind too."

"As if you'd trust me to do that." Sirius ducks the playful swat she sends his way. "Plus, now that you've got my boyfriend on board, I'm pretty sure I'm in good hands at all times."

"As if that wasn't the goal." This time Lily hit her mark, leaving Sirius to whine while exaggeratedly rubbing his arm. "Oh, stop it. If you had better aim, you'd do the same to me in a heartbeat."

  
  
  



	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trust bluefay to really drive home the fluff. It's Christmas and everyone is feeling very, very much in love. Get ready for the saccharine sweet.

“Alright, everyone! Settle down! Now, can I get anyone anything while I’m up?” Lily shouted over the noise that filled her very crowded living room.

James, Sirius, Remus, Marlene, and Dorcas had been invited to a Christmas party at her flat, and Sirius could tell that she was determined to make everything perfect. 

“Nope! We’re good, Lils. Come sit down, will you? It’s time to open presents!” urged James, patting the seat next to him.

He and Lily wore antler headbands and looked ridiculous. Sirius couldn’t say anything, though, given that both he and Remus were wearing matching ugly Christmas sweaters. Marlene and Dorcas were the only ones who looked like decent human beings, as always.

“Fine, fine. I’m coming. Who wants to go first?” asked Lily, and Dorcas’ hand shot up into the air. 

“I’m dying to give Marls her present. Can I go?” Dorcas asked, and the crowd gave her a nod of approval.

Retrieving a small parcel from under the sad looking Christmas tree in the corner, Dorcas shyly handed it to Marlene. Marlene, without hesitating, tore into the wrapping paper.

Inside lay a handmade booklet.

“_One hundred things I love about you_ ... oh, fuck! I’m going to cry!” Marlene said, wiping a tear before it smudged her eyeliner.

She wrapped Dorcas in a right hug, sniffling all the while. When they broke apart, Dorcas cleared her throat.

“There are so many beautiful things about you, and I just want you to know that,” she saidquietly, her cheeks going bright pink.

“I love you so much, Dorcas. Can I give you your present?” asked Marlene, although she headed to the tree without waiting for an answer.

Dorcas unwrapped a small, delicate necklace. The pendant, a phoenix, hung from a silver chain.

“I love it, Marls! It’s beautiful. Where the hell did you find it? You know how much I love phoenixes. Can you help me put it on?” Dorcas rambled, and Marlene just grinned at her as she assisted in putting on the necklace. 

After everyone had properly admired Dorcas’ necklace, James very unsubtly coughed into his hand.

“My turn! Lily, my darling, be prepared to be amazed. Well, I hope, anyways … ” James said, handing her a large box.

Within the box was another, and then another, and then another. Eventually Lily reached the smallest box within, and she unwrapped it. Inside held a small painting of the two of them. Sirius knew exactly what the painting was based off of. He had taken a photo of them dancing in the park a few months back. Lily stared at the painting for a long time, and it was obvious that James was beginning to worry.

“Is it okay? I mean, do you like it? I could always get another one done─” James began, but he was interrupted.

“Move in with me,” Lily said, finally looking up.

“I, uh ... what?” James stammered.

Everyone was about as confused as he was.

“Move in with me. We could hang this in the living room. Or in the bedroom, if you prefer,” Lily elaborated.

James looked blankly at her for a moment before responding.

“Yes? Yes. Yes! Okay. Wow. Shit,” James said, dumbstruck.

“Oh! Let me get you your present. I hope you love it as much as I love mine,” Lily said.

She plopped a small envelope in James’ lap. James gingerly opened the envelope and pulled out what seemed to be two plane tickets.

“To India?” was all James managed to get out of his mouth.

Lily held James hand and explained, “well, I know you’ve always wanted to go, since your parents moved from India right before you were born. I’ve been scrimping and saving. What do you think?”

James pulled her in for a peck and then said, “what do I think? I think it’s brilliant! Lils, this means so much to me. I can’t believe you pulled this off, and I’m so happy you’ll be there too. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, James. I was happy to do it, truly. Now, how about the next lovebirds? Who wants to go first?” asked Lily, looking in the direction of Remus and Sirius. 

“Uh, I’ll go first,” Remus volunteered.

He handed Sirius a heavy package. Sirius unwrapped it, discovering a beautiful set of Jane Austen books.

“I used to read these with Regulus,” Sirius stated.

“I know.”

“Remus, how did you remember? These are beautiful. Thank you so much, love,” Sirius said, running his fingers along the spines of the books.

“I try to remember everything about you. Anyway, I wanted you to have something of Regulus. I know the anniversary is coming up, so I thought these might help, ” Remus said, and Sirius hugged him.

“They’re perfect. Thank you so much. Here, let me get you your present.”

From the corner of Sirius’ eye, he could see Lily giving him a thumbs up as he placed the package in Remus' lap.

After unwrapping, Remus unveiled a sweater, almost identical in color to his grandmother’s. The only difference was the yoke. The collar incorporated various shades of gold.The rest of the sweater, a royal blue, was a simple stockinette stitch. Remus felt the wool with his hands and then held the sweater up to his cheek, closing his eyes. A tear rolled down the side of his face, and Sirius squeezed his knee.

“This is beautiful, Sirius. I can’t believe you made this for me. It’s exactly like the one my grandmother made,” Remus said in astonishment.

“I was more than happy to make it for you. In fact, I have to admit something. I started making this for you the day you brought the signed papers over for craft night. I saw so many shades of gold in you: your eyes, your hair, your skin ... I knew I just needed to put it into a sweater for you. And then on the first craft night I saw the royal blue of your grandmother’s sweater, and I thought it would be the perfect fit. I love you so much, Remus, and I will always make you sweaters,” Sirius rambled, fidgeting with his hands.

Remus lifted Sirius’ chin with his hand and looked directly at him, although his gaze was soft.

“And I’ll always be here to wear them. I love you.”


End file.
